Sounds like a great Rage Against the Machine song.
Maybe you are like me and you feel like life is three steps forwards and eight hundred back? Just me? Well, I believe it has a lot to do with me and my inner life. Or, my inner life I don’t know exists because it happens subconsciously.
There are things going on under our radars. It happens beneath the surface and when you notice, it’s usually too late. Why do I do the things I do not want to do? Sub conscious self-sabotage. That is my answer. And it happens like this.
I am going to start being better at eating, waking up and going for a walk, and doing some form of quiet time. I am, and I will start… Tomorrow. There is something in my brain that makes me fail. I put traps in my way, and I do it without knowing.
If I believed, in my core, I deserve good things, if I believe God is a God of abundance and not scarcity, I wouldn’t sabotage myself. I have always believed in my own badness, not goodness, which means bad people deserve bad things. So in order to retrain my brain I need to believe differently.
We live in a world that is crying out abundance and fullness. But when someone gets something good, or does something good, we react poorly. Our first thought is, “Now I won’t get ______”. It’s inevitable. If you are looking for a job, and your friend gets a job, you might even say, “Must be nice…” instead of celebrating their victory with them. But it is a sign of ultimate belief. We believe the world is finite. We believe the world only has so many jobs, girlfriend/boyfriends, classes, opportunities, and goodness.
The problem I have is how I believe my narrative is already written. I believe in my soul I don’t deserve love and, even deeper, I am not worthy of love. So, I don’t love myself. Let’s say I want to lose weight. If I believed in my core I deserve a good body, I would not eat those handful of potato chips at the party. I wouldn’t have, “Just one more beer”, or “It’s only one slice of pizza”. But because I don’t believe I deserve a better body, I eat one bad thing, or drink one more bad drink, and I do it without knowing. But the true deep formidable advisory is not losing weight, but believing I deserve to have a healthy lifestyle, a structured habit of exercise, and a focused diet. Because I deserve it.
This same mentality flows over into every aspect of my life. It flows into my dating world. I don’t believe I deserve the girl I’m interested in so subconsciously I sabotage the entirety of the relationship. Deep in my core I don’t believe I will ever be able to, willing to, or deserve to have the girl I desire. So, I do dumb things, I believe their interested in body image, or money, or a funny guy, and I over impress in those areas which leads to contempt. No one likes anyone who tries to show off. Everyone loves the person who can simply be themselves. The person who doesn’t try, who simply is. That person believes in their core they are worthy of love. They are worthy of the person they desire. And they don’t self-sabotage.
I could write a novel on dating, I’m just not sure there are enough pages on the internet to suffice. Maybe, also, one day Ill have the courage to share. My blog stats would sky rocket if I did.
But my plea to myself lately is to do one thing good for myself. It could be to do the dishes when they arise. Make my bed. Do not eat the handful of chips, or slice of pizza. I am trying not to eat, or do the thing I know I will regret tomorrow when I am of sound mind.
And the key to the sound mind, is
When you do the good thing for yourself, tell yourself you deserve it. Sit in it. Say how proud of yourself you are for not indulging in the food you fight, or friends who have beers. Be so proud of yourself for getting to the gym or going on the walk. Be incredibly thankful for the ability to say no, or yes, and how you are learning to love yourself. Be proud you didn’t indulge in self sabotage. Be yourself around everyone, do not try to impress, but be impressive by being yourself.
Hope this makes sense. Be blessed