Maybe mad is a better word.
You might not recognize my anger, you may never see it, I pray you never see it, and I like to keep it that way.
It is a boiling in my stomach. My anger swells up and takes over my mind. It can’t be controlled and there are only a few things that get me back on track. It comes out on the road. It comes out on a run, and mostly it gets dumped on God. Somehow it is His fault. Somehow He did this. And somehow He doesn’t make it better.
A few days ago I stopped being mad, because I realized why. It also took me realizing I was mad, or angry. But I am now done with anger (or I’m trying to stop, I’m addicted)
I realized why I was angry, or where it came from. This is what I concluded. And it has helped a lot.
I was sitting in a room with a lot of Younglife staff people and I couldn’t stop being mad. I was mad I was sick. I was mad the training wasn’t helpful. I was mad I was away from my apartment. I was angry about the meal choice for a plant based diet (two salads for two meals…). I was angry at the amount of sleep I didn’t get. I was mad about my fingers hurting because I was out of practice playing guitar. I didn’t understand what the speaker was saying, so I wrote down all the things I was mad about. And there was a theme. A BIG THEME.
It was all about ME.
All my anger comes from not getting something that I want. My madness comes from people overlooking ME. It stems from feeling a certain way about me. From feeling left out, lonely, or used… Which is all about me? It is a branch of feeling like no one cares anymore, people think I’m old hat now, and I am no longer needed….. All of this is narcissism to its core. The psychological definition of narcissism is: “Extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.”- says google.
I’ll leave that last sentence alone.
In realizing where my anger comes from I am able to see my selfishness. I am able to put a word or language to feelings and emotions. Maybe this can help me stop spending energy on areas of my life that lead me to death? Maybe this can stop the criticism of me in my own head? Maybe I can see the importance of valuing others over myself? Maybe I can start taking myself way less seriously? How about that thought?
This will take time. A lot of time. This is not an easy task at all. I’ve been doing this my whole life. All disappointments, all hurt, most pain, most loneliness all comes from ME. Comes from thinking I deserve, or hoping others find ME important, or want to be around ME.
I am sorry
I am sorry for being angry
I’m sorry for thinking about me way more than thinking about you
I am sorry I put my rights, and deservedness before yours
I apologize for placing my wants and desires above you and your feelings
I am sorry I take myself way too seriously
I am sorry I have a high view of who I am
I am sorry I care more about what you think of me than what I think of myself
Keep me accountable. I am willing to have more conversations if you want. It comes subversively, and subtly. It comes without warning, and it comes from stress. I want to be needed. I want to be wanted, and those are my desires, and they usually come before everyone else all the time. No exaggeration. I want to also start caring about what God cares about above caring about ME. Maybe I shouldn’t be mad at Him, and know He truly does have my best in mind.
Breathe that in. Jesus cares about you, so you no longer have to. What would today look like if I believed that? Jesus cares about me, so I don’t have to… Take another breath. We would stop anger, we wouldn’t be afraid of the future, and we wouldn’t be stressed or worried if we truly believed He loves us. So, let’s take some time and try. Will you help me?