I have an irrational fear of balloons.
Well…. It is somewhat rational
Well…..I just don’t know how to describe it. When a little kid has a balloon, my first response is to run. You have no idea when it might pop. It will scare the…yeah…. Out of you. You will be upset. You won’t like it. The fear is not knowing when it is going to happen. So, it’s irrational, and partly because I am able to pop balloons on my own. If left up to me I would never allow anyone under the age of ten have a balloon.
Why do I fear change? Why do I fear being different? Why do I fear balloons? All questions center around a specific idea. Control.
My friend has revealed to me that I am not good at being trevor all the time. I asked what they were talking about. How can I not be me when I am who I am. I never stop being trevor physically. They started telling me about how they first met a trevor who was confident in himself, God, and the life I was living. Then something changed.
The only thought I could come up with was….
I’m on a trip right now with one of my friends who is really good at being himself. He is soo good he brings out the best self in most other people. We started our morning by going to our favorite coffee shop, but he decided people needed to have a good morning. He quickly took out his mega phone and started telling people on the street to have good mornings, or to make sure they pick up after there dogs!
I really want to live this life right. I want to do it in a way that Jesus has designed me to live. In the past I have seen individuality as a bad thing. I’ve thought being an individual was simply self serving and errogant. How can I be so prideful about being me, and not Jesus? Which doesn’t make much sense.
Jesus made us all unique. He made us to like different things, relate differently, and to even fear differently. If I can’t find myself in the context of who Jesus made me to be, I am lost.
I fear not knowing what could be around the corner. I fear finding out what I like. The lie I believe is by finding myself I will loose Jesus, but that’s not possible.
I will serve Jesus better by finding what I like. I will love Him better by loving the way Jesus loves me.
This may take a while.
This may not even make sense.
But hey, that’s what I like.
May you find out what Jesus designed you to love, and love it back, and use it for His work ahead!
But keep kids with balloons away from me.