I just found an old journal. It is really crazy reading an old journal. I’ve seen this thing in my room for years. I thought it was empty and I just moved it around from open spot to open spot. A simple dust collector. But then I opened it…
We forget simple days, beautiful sunsets, and some of the hard days. Or, at least I do.
Journal entry: 2009
(Day of solitude number 2)
“Started out today walking through this huge tunnel. You could see the other side, but the light was small. It was about the size of a house door. As I kept walking towards the light I noticed pools of water. You could easily take a wrong step and be waist deep into ice cold water. The path was slim and kept getting smaller as it twisted and turned. The tunnel started getting more cold towards the middle, and the light started to fade away. You could not see as easily as you could in the beginning. The pools of water were getting deeper. I began to notice how the light would shine on the pools of water, but not the path. It was illuminating the danger, and nothing else. Every so often it would be so dark I couldn’t see anything. I held my hand up to my face but it wasn’t visible. My walk turned into a shuffle, and my mind started to race. Are there bats? Will I die? Can I survive? What if I die? Who will find me? Do I have enough food, or water? Who will speak at my funeral? I kept shuffling along, my right foot would wander, hit a puddle or two, but when I focused on the light I was able to keep going. The light kept me going. I put my head down, focused on what the light revealed and it became more and more bright towards the end. I realized how important focus and trust is. When I didn’t trust the light I fell in the water. When I slowed down, refocused on what the light was revealing, I stayed on the right path.”
It is crazy what you can learn, and so easily forget. Not sure what this may mean for you today, but I hope we can stay focused. Look back on your life. Look back on what you thought would bring you life, and what is truly bringing you life today. What is our focus on? Are we focused on pain, hurt, or circumstances?
I put my foot in my mouth all the time. I wish I could stop. A friend of mine came to me to tell me how I make them feel. It isn’t always good. And sometimes I make them feel like less of a human, or how they are not smart, and do not have good ideas. I come off as a know it all, or how my way is the only way. I had no idea this was still part of who I was. The beautiful part is how they revealed it all to me. It was gentle. It was positive, and I needed to hear it. I want to stop being this person. It is a small version of my old self. It’s a version I want to cut off and throw into the fire. But my friend lit up my darkness. It was a form of Love. I was able to see the puddle I was in. I was able to stand up and try and get on the path again.
Look back, see where you have been, find some old journals, and maybe we can understand how faithful God is. Maybe there is hope in Jesus. Maybe there is forgiveness in His grace. Maybe we can see how we have grown, and how Jesus does care about our lives?