Me too


I’ve been quiet lately

It’s teaching me a lot.

There are moments of clarity, and moments of complete anxiety.  When you try to listen, to people, to God, your Mom, lots of pollution block the way.  I don’t have much clear space in my head.  There are busy ideas, bustling images, emotions I try to capture and shove down deep, and sometimes… I find the quiet.

I went to my friends surgery a few weeks ago.  It wasn’t serious, but it was still surgery.  His mom and I waited in the waiting room (go figure), and we sat and starred out the fourth floors windows.  Stanford Hospital is beautiful, free cups of coffee everywhere, nurses in scrubs, and students stress-fully learning.  The waiting room is a strange place.  Magazines everywhere, clocks on the wall, light music playing, displays of where your person in surgery is, and people designated to come talk to you.  They make every effort in the world to try and take your mind off the surgery.  In this quiet place you can hear everyone’s mind racing.  Wondering if the surgeries are going to work, will the cancer go away, will we survive this storm.  And in this place something beautiful happened.

“Me too”

The doctor came out and talked to us.  My friend was still sleeping from the drugs, and His Mom and I listened to the news.  The Doctor was really friendly and he showed us pictures.  He walked back into another surgery and then we sat.  We waited, and waited, and then a man walked over to us.  He went to  my friends mom and he showed us his pictures.  They both had someone they loved with the same problem.  They talked for a while.  About the procedure, waiting in the waiting room, how many times this happens, and so on.  I kept quiet, but I realized something was happening.

“Me too”

We all desire to be known.  We all want someone to say “Hi”, “How are you”, “How was your day”, and we don’t feel human without it.  We are designed to be together.  We are designed to share meals, have commonality, and say things like, “Me too”.  The man in the waiting room brought comfort with his “me too”.  It was beautiful to see, in the midst of the uncomfortable, an act of “I see you”.  Jesus “sees” us.  He knows what it is like to be us.  He knows what it is like to feel alone, uncomfortable, and even exhausted.  He really does care, and He too wants us to see Him.

Maybe if we can be quiet more

Maybe if we can pause the junk in our life

Maybe if we can purge the pollution swirling around in our mind

Maybe we could see Jesus, and maybe we would hear him say “Me too”.

Maybe He is in this storm/trial/good moment/surgery/pain/laughter/test

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Let The Wild Rumpus Start

What if we really knew?

I found out, late in the game, how the tooth fairy isn’t real (shocker).  My imagination as a child was masterful.  I would dream big, wild, fantastic realistic adventures.  Where the Wild Things Are was one of my all time favorite books.  I read it a few weeks ago, and it was boring.  Only a few words on the page.  It wasn’t full or exciting.  But as a kid I was there.  I was within the wild rumpus.  My own room turned into a jungle.  I sailed with Max, and was king alongside him.  We danced until the morning came, and it is now all lost…

I’ve misplaced my imagination somewhere. 

I can’t figure out where it went. 

I’ve looked everywhere. 

It’s gone

Grow up Trevor.  Be an adult.  

I got a newspaper subscription a few weeks ago.  It was forced on me.  A high school kid came to my door during a leader meeting and I had to put my money where my mouth was.  The newspapers started coming to my door a few days later.  And they started stacking up.  I was paying for trash.  I was paying to throw away more paper.  I wondered if this was what adult life is supposed to be.   

I keep wondering if there is more.  Is there more to this life?  What’s my next step?  What is my next big adventure, journey, life lesson, and then life keeps happening. 

Maybe you can’t plan next steps, but I believe it might start with Yes.  Maybe we have to say yes.  Yes to a friend.  Yes to an invitation.  Yes to lunch, and yes to paying for it (It will freak whoever you are with out).  It can also be yes to rest.  Yes to imagination, and a yes to wonder. 

We don’t have to have everything planned out.  Who we will marry, who we will spend our saturday with, or what our five year plan looks like.  We don’t have to have a target goal, and a reason (Goals are great, don’t get me wrong).  A lot of those big life things are extremely far away any how.  Maybe we can start a book, go on a walk, and go chase a sunset with people you love.  Maybe we can get on a plane and create memories.  Maybe you can come over and we can watch a movie.  Maybe I can sit at my house, and be content. 

I’ve started to realize there are many moments in life.  There are high highs, and deep dark lows.  There is a medium high, and an almost low.  There are breathtaking sunsets, and average midday clouds.  And if we only knew, and believed the one who held it all together. 

What would happen if we knew what was going on during prayer?  What if we tried to imagine, and create space to imagine? What if we knew the one who was listening and how Jesus doesn’t simply listen, shrug, and go on with His own business.  Maybe Jesus dreams with us?  Maybe He imagines with us?  I believe when we pray He is like an attentive kid.  Wondering what you wonder about, dream what you dream about, and Maybe He too would want us to be like Max and thrive in this wild rumpus of a life.  If anything, maybe He just wants to talk, listen, and know whats going on. 

Im not sure Jesus keeps track of all the good prayers, or if He ranks them as we do.  I think He might like that we show up.  No matter how small, how full of groans, or joy, and He loves our minds.  He loves our creativity.  And, He deserves it.  Through the high mountains, the low valleys, the mid day golf, and the morning paper.  We will never be able to predict our life.  We will not be able to out perform, out love, or be adult enough. 

So maybe being content in all things, and regaining some imagination could bring some newness to this life.  Maybe we can find some imagination somewhere.  Dream about what prayer might be.  Dream about big things, imagine what Jesus may imagine.  Maybe there is more to life than being an adult.  Maybe there is more to life than high highs, and being right. 

Where did you leave your imagination?  When did life become boring?  When did a four inch screen become success or significance?  When did life become about marriage, money, or a career? (Heck, growing up I wanted to be a pizza maker, or a zoologist) Could there be more? 


What if we really knew?

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Desire: An inward groan

media.giuntiscuolaWe have our way

We have our minds

We have our desires

And I believe I know better than God…

Any good prayer is a prayer you don’t want to pray.  Its either too hard, too big, or too illogical.  I believe we are afraid to tell God our inmost desires, or even confess our terrible thoughts.  Or, at least I am.   

Wind has a way of teaching us who is in control, and how to listen.  I was racing through my mind on a walk a few days back, and the wind told me to turn my head.  The wind was loud as I continued to walk straight ahead, but as I turned my head it fell silent.  There was no noise, and I could hear clearly.  My mind stopped, I stopped.  I realized sometimes you need to do something which seems not in your best interest. 

Im working out right now, and it sucks.  It’s hard, I want to quit.  There is sweat, pain, I got hurt the other day, and I do not like it.  But then I do.  There is something about that breath you take when you are finished with a good work out.  It is satisfying.  Your body thanks you, your brain is stimulated, and you are satisfied.  It is a breath of obedience.  You don’t want to put on the gym shorts, you don’t want to lace your shoes, but when you obey all those seemingly hard things you do before you go to the gym are worth it.  It is hard in the beginning, but it is worth it down the road.

We all have a picture of what we believe our life is supposed to look like.  And then it all gets stripped away.  Whether we like it or not.  Our rights become lefts, our mountains become rivers, and we don’t know which way is up.  The days begin to stream together.  The collaborative attempts of your friends have no power, and then there is a moment where you begin to understand.  We begin to understand that His ways are not our ways.  Jesus has a way of working in the illogical, non commonsensical, and not our way.  And I am starting to be ok with it. 

I believe we are to confess our desires, even cry out to God, but then believe He knows whats happening.  Our desires can be overwhelmingly strong and the only way to pray is to groan.  And it’s ok.  Can we believe He truly has our best interest at heart.  Believe He is doing something with this time in our lives.  It is ok to tell Jesus what we want, what we want for others, and ask Him, for we will know Him better by our honesty.  We often look for a tangible God.  We pray tangible prayers, or prayers that seem to be logical.  And with these prayers we get to know Jesus more like a friend, and less like customer service agent.  We start to know He does care, and He isn’t a derelict.   

“When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more.  Your desire can never be satisfied.  But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, ‘O yes-I already have everything that I really need’” Dalai Lama

I want to have my way, in Him

I want my mind to be like His

I want my desires to be what He desires

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Your Will, not Mine be done

beautiful-rain-fertilizer-deliveryIf you don’t start soon, it doesn’t get easier…

We all have things we would like.  We all have stuff in our lives we wish were different.  Maybe you want more hours in the day, maybe you want more friends, maybe less friends, maybe you want a different body.  What ever it is, I need to say what I am thinking.

“His ways are not ours”

“He has a plan for your life”

“Not as the world gives does He give”

Maybe God’s will is different than our will?  Maybe the desires of our hearts have been placed by our culture, and not God?  Maybe the person we believe we need is not a person, but Spirit? 

We believe a lot of crazy things following Jesus.  We believe in Him there is life.  We believe in Him there is peace.  And we believe He has a plan.  Maybe He does, but I get it confused with my plan.  I (like you) spend a lot of my time thinking about how I want my life to look.  I struggle with wanting my life to be a certain way.  I believe I deserve a specific lifestyle, a specific type of relationship, and a specific amount of money.  I am not sure when I started to dream and believe these ideas. 

I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine (He reads these on occasion but not all the time, so its safe to write about him).  He is living part of a life I want.  He has things I have dreamed of having.  He cares for a wife the way I would one day like.  But He said something which struck my heart as true and good.  The best part is my mentor tells me this all the time, but coming from my friends mouth was somehow different…. But He said, “It doesn’t get easier Trevor”. 

We can see our future lives and believe it has to be better.  My dreams of the future smell of laughter, tastes of rain, and are crammed full of good warm memories.  It is a utopia of adventures with a family, quirky trips with unstoppable belly laughs, and mid afternoon rain showers while dressed in oversized sweatpants drinking warm hot nilla chia. (I don’t really know what that drink is. I made it up in the future and it has the power to take away anxiety). 

Truth is, today is as good as the future (I don’t fully believe that last sentence, it was hard to write).  Full life, life abundantly, is available right now.  Life to the Max is found in appreciating what you have, being thankful for all things under the sun, but also hoping for the future.  Today the grass is greener, today.  I will live in this moment.  I will believe today, God’s plan, my plan, and the life I live is His plan.  He is in this mess.  He is able to comfort me today in my struggle, in my flesh and blood, and His plan today is good.  His will for my life is to seek Him today.  That is His will every day.  With all my heart, mind, and strength.  Maybe he does have good things in store for me later in life, but He also has great things in store for me today. 

You are alive today, the world was made for you now, not for future you. 

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When nothing works

TFS-diaries-0021-2glgf8cIt takes faith

You have to be willing

And you have to be able to see

I watched two documentaries this week.  They both scared me.  One was about being a Christians in the South, and another was about a cult.  They were both scarily similar.  The part I loved was how they were filmed.  Un biased, and open.  They simply observed the worlds in which the camera caught, and told a story. 

I wish we could be this way. 

We judge from the outside.  We put our own opinions and beliefs on others from the outside.  I had a conversation with a Mom a few weeks ago that made my heart break.  I had no clue what had been going on in her life. It all started with a harmless question, but it opened an hours worth of conversation. 

How much of life is different than it used to be?  Do you have things in your life you never thought you would?  Do you have experiences you can’t explain?  And what are you supposed to do when everything falls apart and nothing works anymore? 

I went through a deep depression a few years ago.  Nothing worked.  I would pray and hear silence.  I would read the bible but still hunger.  I would try and worship but there were only empty tombs.  I would journal but my pen would fall flat.   I would talk with friends, but feel as though all I knew were strangers. 

We are quick to put our beliefs on those who need love.  We put our conviction on those who need comfort.  We put our ideology on people who are hungry.  We pray for healing when we ought to pray for pain, and we become complacent when there is no answer. 

So when did I feed you Lord? 

When did I clothe you Lord? 

When did I take you in?

Can we be people who are quick to listen and not harsh to judge?  Can we be those who are slow to speak, and quick to be generous?  Maybe someone you know needs lunch today?  Maybe there is a conversation you have been waiting to have?  Maybe you haven’t written that letter?  The only reason we do or do not resides between our own two eyes.  Strengthen you mind, have faith.  God is bigger than you will ever comprehend. 

Some days I am great at this.  Some moments are better than others.  Some Trevor’s screw up, and some Trevor’s get it right.  I do not believe in a God that keeps a record of wrongs I accumulate.  I do not believe we are anything other than what Jesus says.  We are His.  More than conquerors, saints, sons, and daughters.  We are beloved, He is Good, and we need to bless those around us.  It is pure, it is simple, and yet it can be messy. 

We all go through this life.  These problems, hurts, trails, and even joyful moments truly are real.  They have a place.  Enjoy the good, and enjoy the bad.  Welcome loneliness as an old friend.  Fall in love with silence.  Ive started to accept and become comfortable with not knowing.  I started to get out of bed.  I started putting one foot in front of the other.  I began to recognize the little triumphs and absorb the beauty deep within the ashes.  Which is where He is. 

Be Blessed

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The other side


Sometimes you have to be honest

There is nothing better than honesty, and there is nothing better than being true to yourself.  We have a habit of lying to ourselves.  We tend to be our worst advocate.  We tend to be our own worst nightmare.  We do not let ourselves believe.  We don’t let ourselves trust.  We don’t let ourselves feel, or obey.

Jesus said a lot about building ourselves up.  Jesus spent most of his time telling people who they truly were.  And I spend most of my time tearing myself apart.  I rip into my flesh.  I speak evil, and I war agains’t my own flesh.  The same flesh Jesus is proud of.  The same flesh Jesus has hope for. 

I was given a gift a few weeks ago.  I didn’t deserve it.  There was nothing to warrant the gift, and yet it was so beautiful.  Someone had listened to me, and through the gift I was given hope.  Hope for life now, and hope for life in the future. 

I tend to obey and follow Jesus because of the “because”.  I will obey, or not obey because.  Because He will bless me, or He will take away.   I think this is most of us.  I will give away my money because in return I will….  I will feed the homeless because in return I will receive…..  And I am not sure this works for me. 

I’ve always been a big guy.  Broad shoulders, nice calves, and my stomach…  But nothing could motivate me to lose weight or look better.  There were moments, I had inspiring glimpses of why I should, but in the end they would fail.  I needed results, I needed motivations, and I needed someone telling me good job.  Part of it is true, and part of it isn’t.   We do need to help spur each other on, but also our motivation needs to come from a place of purity.  I need to try and be the best me.  I need to treat my body for how it was made.  

And so I am writing this for myself.  I need to stop bad habits for Jesus.  I need to be Christ focused, and lose myself in his awareness.  I need to be obedient for Jesus.  Not because there is some eternal reward.  Not because my life will be better later, when I am older, but because Jesus is worth it.  What happens when you obey and the next day you don’t feel better, or you don’t feel his blessings?  For Him I will live and breath.  For him I will move and rest.  Can I find this pain of suffering, advance through, push the limits, and my reward be more Jesus?  Can that be enough?  Will I allow myself to hurt, be lonely, and rest in Jesus?  At times I can’t.  At times it isn’t enough.  I succumb to my flesh, I give into my desires, and they always leave me feeling empty and more unsatisfied.   My motivation can’t be to not feel bad about myself.  I do not want to make obedience into a mechanical device that I can check and balance.  I want to obey because Jesus is worth it.  Because, He is. 

There is hope, there is obedience, and there is all of this because of Jesus.  I need to stop believing the lies.  I need to build myself up, and stop tearing myself apart.  I need to have pure motivation.  And so I will go on with dissatisfaction and consider it pure joy, with not an ounce of “because”.  

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Dust and Spirit


I don’t get it.

It doesn’t make sense. 

I don’t understand why it is so hard.

Whether we believe it is good for us or not, we tend to do whatever we want.  Whether it will bring us life, or death, we do whatever we want.  And nothing stops us.  Im not sure where it comes from.  Rebellion or non conformity run deep in our bones.  My will power is directly opposed to my wellbeing. 

Don’t touch, so you touch it.  Don’t eat, so you eat. You shouldn’t hang out with them, makes you…. We get the point, but it doesn’t make sense.  We tend to do what we ought not to do.  The things that bring us death tend to be exactly what we desire. 

In my tween years I believed I would be married by 25, living in my career, and have 2.5 kids.  I dreamed of mowing my own lawn (in whatever shapes I wanted), taking my wife out on crazy adventures, and reading my kids to sleep.  But as life has it, none of those beliefs have come to fruition. 

I fully trust Jesus with some aspects of life, and there are some I do not.  I am not sure why some parts are easy to trust and others not.  I am not sure why I act out of my flesh in one moment, and be of the Spirit in another.  It is truly baffling.  Some days it is as if I don’t even know Jesus.  Some days it is as if we are one.  I get upset with Jesus, and in the same breath thank Him for how great my life is.

And that is ok. 

Why do I do the things I wish I didn’t do?  How can I love and hate this life I am living?  How can I trust God with big bold circumstances, and yet run in fear with small insignificant happenstances?  I can only begin to wonder and believe I am normal, and we are all like this.  Right?  Am I crazy? 

We all have moments of pure joy, where everything seems right in the world, and there is no place you would rather be.  And we also have, in the same day, moments where the world is coming to an end, and you don’t see the reason why.  We have moments of clarity alongside moments of deep darkness.  We have powerful days of purpose and place alongside days of anxiety and depression.  We have love alongside heartbreak, and trust alongside doubt.  We are humans, and this is who we are.  Fickle, finite, illogical, irrational, nonsensical, meandering, beautiful creatures of dust and Spirit.  It’s mysteriously wonderful, and poetically depressing all at the same time.  My flesh will always war against the spirit. 

Im not sure we will ever truly be finished, complete, or fully satisfied.  If we were we wouldn’t need Jesus.  We wouldn’t need each other.  We could be self sufficient, and there is no life in that.  We are called to be human.  We are called to wrestle with Jesus through life in a brilliant display of color and darkness.  We are beautifully designed to touch, taste, and create.  We are image bearers whom are able to trust and believe while full of doubts and questions. 

It’s ok not to get it.

It’s ok, life doesn’t always make sense.

Life is hard, its worth it, and its perfectly fine to not completely understand!


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