Yesterday I thought I had diabetes. Almost took myself to the doctor… Truly. My heart rate was high all day, I went to the bathroom fifteen hundred times, and I felt as if my blood sugar was at an all-time low. Signs for Diabetes are frequent urination, constant thirst, weight loss/gain, and I had thought I had it all day.
I fully understand there is a mystery in the world. This mystery, be it Spirit, God, energy, or the deep soul inside us, but this mystery is real. And this mystery keeps flicking my head. At first it seems quiet, subdued, and even not discernible. It’s like a older sibling holding you down and tapping your head. It doesn’t hurt at first, you shake it off, but then it gets loud.
Abraham was told over and over again how He would be the Father of Nations, but Abraham was OLD. Abraham was reminded about the promise a lot. God kept reminding him. And yet He did obey, but He also didn’t. Which is why it is so beautiful. You find a God who is a God of promises, a God of enormity, but also a God of the unknown showing up in a human’s life who doesn’t always believe. This human is asked to have a child, but this human is 99 years old. He is told He will be the father of Nations, but He tries it his own way sometimes… So, why is this story coming up over and over and over again in my life?
I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you what my mind does.
I hear a still small voice speaking to me, and I want it to happen now. I began the new year off wanting to become emotional healthy, and spiritually healthy. I read some blogs, I read a few books, and I wanted mental health. Not that I was completely off my rocker, but I wanted health, and I wanted it immediately. Every piece of media we see/watch/digest is now. Every get in shape article is now. I realized how I am going to need time. A lot of time. Maybe more time then I want to admit. But my mechanical brain believes I can get healthy mentally right now. BUT, it is going to take time.
This journey has felt like taking two steps forward and fifteen back. When I start to feel some momentum, when I start to feel like I am being vulnerable and open, when I begin to feel some traction, I stutter step and fall. I hit a wall. I learn something new about myself, and it feels like I am digging a hole in sand. There is almost nothing more frustrating than digging a hole in the sand. The deeper you dig, the more sand fills in the hole… I. just. Can’t. keep. Digging. It is killing me.
I am going to give you the questions I ask myself constantly. Because I believe we all do, and I have hope in the “me too”. I’ve written some blogs that hit home with others, and maybe you can feel as if you are not alone, and you are with me. So…
Will God fulfill his promises to me? Did I actually hear God’s voice, or was it my own imagination? It seems so far-fetched and like a fairy tale, but did I hear what I heard? Why am I so afraid? Why do others seem to prosper while I dig this stupid hole in the sand? Is it worth it? Why can’t I just numb the pain, and sulk in my pity party? They are fun, and my ego loves to party with my pity.
I guess I will wait. I guess I will start to believe in hope. I will try to trust in God’s promise to me in my life. I will try to trust God’s faithfulness. I will try to trust Him to do what he has said He will do. And it will take time. It won’t happen today, or tomorrow, or even in a few months.
I am still not sure about the diabetes, but some days are hard, some days are full, and time helps us all. I did have two big cups of coffee, a crazy juice smoothie, and lots of water yesterday, so… I want to stop freaking out about small insignificant things, and worry about trusting God. That is what I want. I want to stop caring about what I can not change and worry about trusting God.