Does God want what I want?

imagesWhere is your heart?
Who has your heart?
Where is your treasure?

One of the most terrifying things you can do is take time to feel where your  heart is.  You might find that it is with someone.  You might find that your heart is in the future somewhere.   I tend to believe my heart lives full and whole in a time not yet.  And so my treasures are…
Non existent
A fantasy
A time coming
Conversations in my head
Overthought emotions
There seems to be a calculated voice in my head I listen to and it instructs me on what will make me happy.  It makes me believe there is a time coming when I will feel full and fully alive.  And until I get what I want I will be un-satisfied, and left feeling empty.


“Where your treasure is there your heart will be”

“God will give you the desires of your heart”

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”

“God gives good gifts”
These are all things people say, think, and what I try to believe, but these are not easy statements to understand.  Sometimes it makes me think of God as if He is some wise old coot waiting for me to want what He wants so He can finally give it to me.  Some days I see God as a generous Father who if his son asks for a fish will he not give him a fish?  But what if the son’s fish he is asking for is too big?  What if the fish I am asking for is too beautiful?  What if the fish I am asking for is the fish I want, but not the fish I need???


And then I remember who Jesus really is.  I remember how He sees me.  I remember the embrace, the hug, the dance, and my joy is restored.  My faith is affirmed, and who I am doesn’t matter because I am with Him, and He matters.  When I spend time contemplating Jesus my heart is quiet, my soul is eased, and any pain I have from wonder, wanting, and desires fade slowly in His presence.  He points out the clouds and whispers “be still, I have you right where I want you.”.  He shows me the sunset He painted and gently nudges me and says, “I know, I know, what you are wanting, the things you desire, your heart, Trevor I know your heart, and it is good.  Trust me.  Give me time, I won’t disappoint” Then I understand.  For a brief moment I understand.  For a split second all is right in the world.  I feel as if I have been heard.  And all it took was for me to open my heart to God, let Him see my desires, let Him see my wants and sit back and listen.  Because what I want and desire may truly not be what I want or desire and what I need might be the best thing for me.  What I need is Him.  What I need is more time to be quiet and still.  What I need is to see myself for who I am to Him.

Where do you find your value and self-worth?  Who or what tells you who you are? Do you believe if you ask for bread that God will give you a stone?

I read this quote this week and it’s been stuck in my brain, but ““God is always trying to give good things to us, but our hands are too full to receive them.” — Augustine


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Running out

imagesMy time is coming to a close                                                                                                             With it I feel a new season coming, and a passing of an old                                                      But it also feels like I am loosing the battle with no help and no guidance

When I talk to those ahead of me in life they tend to say the same thing.  “I don’t know Trevor?  I don’t get it either.”

My relationship to time is fundamental in how I think, act, and live. I’m not sure how it started but I’ve realized the majority of my relationship is fear based.  Do you ever believe it’s going to run out?  Do you feel as if time is scarce?  For the most part I believe time is passing me by.  But there needs to be a but.

I think my understanding of time is being shapped by watching others.  I have been judging my life by the only thing I can.  I watch those around me.  And I don’t seem to fit the mold.  I don’t have a normal job.  I don’t own two point five kids.  I have no spouse, and I feel like time is up.  I also judge my life based on my parents life at my age.  It is dangerous, and I understand it isn’t real, or good, but I do.  Maybe you do too?

This has been my hope lately.  I am me.  There isn’t anything wrong with me.  There isn’t anything wrong with other people.  No one has been me before, and there is no book I can read about being where I am in the stage of life I am in.  Plus those books probably wouldn’t help because I would then be judging myself based on that author’s life… so, enjoy the season I am in.  Enjoy this unknown and be ok with what I have.  My life is beautiful and exploding with amazing conversations and friendships.  Stop comparing my life to other people, or expectations.  I need to stop expecting people to act or do anything, and be surprised when they do.  God doesn’t make junk, I am not junk, and there is so much more time to life.  There is so much time.  It isn’t running out.  It is full, today is full, there is so much time today to be here.  To be present, to enjoy the people around you, to enjoy the binge watching of tv shows, and books you get to read alone.  Enjoy the mid day power naps for one day we will wake and realize we can’t afford them anymore.

Wanting something that is not yet and wondering when it will happen to me kills any positive self love momentum.  Believing I deserve to be at a different place in life murders the current place of life I am in.  It is somehow God’s plan.  I get to learn what it means to be me more than anyone ever will.  This is my story, and I don’t want my story to look like  your story anyhow.  My story is different.  It’s unique and it is happening.   It is.   It’s going on right now and I can’t afford to miss this opportunity to be me today because I’m comparing my life to the people I don’t know around me.

Maybe I can stop fearing time, and enjoy it?  Maybe I can realize how much time I spend on obsessing over what my life should be, on who I should be with, on the house I should live in, or instead try and take advantage of the life I have in front of me right now.   Maybe?

Easier to write than to believe or live out of.

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The nature of Nature

IMG_5077.JPGI’ve never been in this place before

It’s like navigating the moon

No guides

No knowing

No gear

No way to feel


Each day has been a new adventure.  Some new corner to turn.  Some new road to go down, and not all have been good.  Some fun, some hard, some full, and some empty.  I haven’t been able to think about much.  I haven’t been able to process a lot.  And in it I have leaned into something real.  This is all vague, I’m not sure I want to go into more detail, but maybe in my ambiguity you can see your story.

Going through the darkness has had its blanket moments.  Blanket moments are moments where I have felt as if something is with me.  Moments where I feel peace when there should be no peace.  Moments of a text at the right time, and a friend who can look after me when I am blind.

I went on a hike this weekend with some friends, and I took some time to be alone.  I walked around to a quite side of the lake, and I laid down in the shade.  I watched jet contrails cross over the tree line, block the sun, and disappear into the atmosphere.  I watched the trees move and dance to a rhythm only known to them.  I tried to close my eyes, but then there were flies.  Lots of flies and bees.  And grasshoppers.  I started getting upset.  I got so frustrated, and angry I yelled profanities… All I wanted was quiet…. All I wanted was stillness… All I wanted was to not be bothered… so I moved, which there were still all the bugs.


I sat and watched the trees dance, the sky rotate, and waited in the stillness.  I didn’t hear anything.  I didn’t want to.  So, I was.  I was there.  On a rock, looking up, and I was.  I was there.  I was me, and I was enough.   I thought about life.  I thought about how I want to control, and I thought about my desires.  Desires for my family to get well.  Desires for my future.  Desires for my friends, and I began to realize how life comes with mess.

Just as nature comes with bugs, so life comes with mess.  You can’t have nature without nature (bugs).  You can’t have life, without life(mess).  We will all have it, we cannot avoid it, and yet somehow in the mess there is beauty.  I have had the sweetest conversations.  I have been encouraged more than I can handle.  My friends listen well, and they listen to my life better than I know how.  It is not easy.  The darkness can seem forever long and exhausting, and that is ok.  It is supposed to feel this way.

Be blessed

That’s all I got right now.  No answer, no happy wrap up, but that is ok.  I am trying to lean into this time, lean into my friends, and simply be.  I hope you can find hope in this.  I am trying, and it feels close.  If anything, let’s hope for hope.




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Letter to Myself


Life is hard.

Doing life right is painful.  It will not be easy, and you are going to make mistakes.  Big mistakes that hurt others.  You can’t please everyone.  You are going to want to run away, hide, take an easy route and lay down.  You are going to have days you don’t want to get out of bed.  You are going to have days where you wish you could take it all back. You will have more words come out of your mouth you wish never had than you have words you like come out.  You are going to grow, but that also comes with pain.  You are going to be stretched, but it will sting.  You are going to be kicked, bruised, put down, looked over, overwhelmed, shamed, tempted, tried, treated like sh*t, but you know what?

As much as you don’t believe it

As much as you don’t want to hear it

As much as you believe the lies that go on in your head.  You are not those lies.  You are not those harsh words, and you need to start believing truth.



Life is worth it.

Doing life right is worth more than you will ever fully understand.  Don’t settle.  Do not run away, and do not go hide.  Getting out of bed will be worth it.  And make sure you enjoy it.  Enjoy hard conversations and do not take them for granted.  Enjoy those God has given you.  Enjoy movies, laughter, eating, cards, and most of all, be grateful.  For you only have today.  For you have always only had today.  And more importantly I need you to believe one strong truth.

You are not your mistakes.  You are good.  No matter what you believe, no matter what others may think, act, or say, you are good.  Jesus is proud of you.  Not because of anything you have done or not done, but simply because you are alive and He made you.  He designed you to be the way you are, and do you understand how Jesus doesn’t make mistakes?  He doesn’t create what He does not love.  As much as you don’t understand Love.  As much as Love has always had strings attached and you feel as you need to earn others love, Jesus doesn’t care.  You cannot earn His love.  He is going to Love you beyond any love that you could afford to give back.  He is going to watch you fall, break, and be there to pick you up.  He is going to comfort you when you don’t want His comfort.  Jesus is going to fill you with His Love even when you do not believe you deserve or ever will be able to accept it.  Whether or not you make the right moves, impress the right people, say the right words or not, Jesus is fond of you.  Trevor, this truth is bigger than you will ever know.  This truth transcends all knowledge.  It breaks truth open and brings with it joy and peace.  You have been made right.  All things have been put together, for you, and on your behalf.  Do you know that?  Do you believe it?  Life is hard, but it is worth it.  Following Jesus is greater than anything else you may want or desire.  Being filled by Jesus is more full of life then you will realize.  Seek Him, for He is seeking you.  Listen to Him, He listens to you.  Try and accept His Love, there is no love greater, no love wider, no love deeper, and you will find you have always known it was what you were looking for.


I love you

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Abraham and Diabetes

IMG_3158(I took this photo)(the others I usually steal from the internet…)

Yesterday I thought I had diabetes.  Almost took myself to the doctor… Truly.  My heart rate was high all day, I went to the bathroom fifteen hundred times, and I felt as if my blood sugar was at an all-time low.  Signs for Diabetes are frequent urination, constant thirst, weight loss/gain, and I had thought I had it all day.

I fully understand there is a mystery in the world.  This mystery, be it Spirit, God, energy, or the deep soul inside us, but this mystery is real.  And this mystery keeps flicking my head.  At first it seems quiet, subdued, and even not discernible.  It’s like a older sibling holding you down and tapping your head.  It doesn’t hurt at first, you shake it off, but then it gets loud.

Abraham was told over and over again how He would be the Father of Nations, but Abraham was OLD.  Abraham was reminded about the promise a lot.  God kept reminding him.  And yet He did obey, but He also didn’t.  Which is why it is so beautiful.  You find a God who is a God of promises, a God of enormity, but also a God of the unknown showing up in a human’s life who doesn’t always believe.  This human is asked to have a child, but this human is 99 years old.  He is told He will be the father of Nations, but He tries it his own way sometimes… So, why is this story coming up over and over and over again in my life?

I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you what my mind does.

I hear a still small voice speaking to me, and I want it to happen now.  I began the new year off wanting to become emotional healthy, and spiritually healthy.  I read some blogs, I read a few books, and I wanted mental health.  Not that I was completely off my rocker, but I wanted health, and I wanted it immediately.  Every piece of media we see/watch/digest is now.  Every get in shape article is now.  I realized how I am going to need time.  A lot of time.  Maybe more time then I want to admit.  But my mechanical brain believes I can get healthy mentally right now.  BUT, it is going to take time.

This journey has felt like taking two steps forward and fifteen back.  When I start to feel some momentum, when I start to feel like I am being vulnerable and open, when I begin to feel some traction, I stutter step and fall.  I hit a wall.  I learn something new about myself, and it feels like I am digging a hole in sand.  There is almost nothing more frustrating than digging a hole in the sand.  The deeper you dig, the more sand fills in the hole…  I. just. Can’t. keep. Digging.  It is killing me.

I am going to give you the questions I ask myself constantly.  Because I believe we all do, and I have hope in the “me too”.  I’ve written some blogs that hit home with others, and maybe you can feel as if you are not alone, and you are with me.  So…

Will God fulfill his promises to me?  Did I actually hear God’s voice, or was it my own imagination?  It seems so far-fetched and like a fairy tale, but did I hear what I heard?  Why am I so afraid?  Why do others seem to prosper while I dig this stupid hole in the sand?  Is it worth it?  Why can’t I just numb the pain, and sulk in my pity party?  They are fun, and my ego loves to party with my pity.

I guess I will wait.  I guess I will start to believe in hope.  I will try to trust in God’s promise to me in my life.  I will try to trust God’s  faithfulness.  I will try to trust Him to do what he has said He will do.  And it will take time.  It won’t happen today, or tomorrow, or even in a few months.

I am still not sure about the diabetes, but some days are hard, some days are full, and time helps us all.  I did have two big cups of coffee, a crazy juice smoothie, and lots of water yesterday, so…  I want to stop freaking out about small insignificant things, and worry about trusting God.  That is what I want.  I want to stop caring about what I can not change and worry about trusting God.

You too?

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Negative Postive

steadman-clyde-long-drive-home-24x36-2450_lgI am deciding on what story to tell.  I could tell a vulnerable story that has potential to make me, or someone in my family look bad, or a tamer story?  Maybe a story of a failed relationship, or a story of my own personal hardship…  I have them all, so…

Too much of my time is focused wrongly.  I put a lot, a lot of energy in doing the very thing I wish not to do.  I linger.  I dwell.  I over think, and I over think in the worst way possible.  I believe partly because my memory is terrible, and partly because I have learned this habit.

Ok, I’ll tell you about a family story, but there is a disclaimer.  This is my brain.  These are my thoughts, and my parents are great.  No parent is perfect, and they are only doing what they know how to do.  Also, maybe this will turn out to be good.  So….

I was on my way down to visit my Pop’s, but we got a late start on the drive.  We were driving down to a conference and there were seven of us.   It’s about a seven-hour drive, depending on how many stops, traffic, or wind direction.  My pops called me to see where we were, but we had another three hours to the drive putting us in around 10:30. We talked briefly about the plans, how late I would be, what the next day was going to look like, and I hung up the phone.  I didn’t talk to anyone for a while.  I just drove.  I was upset.  I didn’t understand, and I started to wonder if I was crazy.  He said he was going to go to bed, but I took it as he wouldn’t wait up for me.  I told him how I needed to pick another person up at the airport in the morning and he reminded me how he too has a schedule and things to do.  Which I took as he doesn’t care, and he only cares about his personal schedule.  And those stuck in my brain.  For a while.


This is a big big deal.


Normal humans have been taught (or at least I have) to remember the negative.  We remember the hard, painful, trials, conversations, and we have to work hard to remember the positive.  Negativity sticks.  It lingers, we dwell, but it brings death.  It is as if we look for negative, and are surprised by the positive.  We are almost shocked when things go right, or amazed when things go our way.  Which is not life.  It is death.

My Pops built us over 150 shot gun shells.  He let eight people sleep in his house, use his beds, and shower.  He took a large chunk out of his day to teach newbies how to shoot skeet.  He was patient, He cared, and He did it because He loves me.  I realized I was dwelling on one negative comment.  Or, how I wanted to be loved.  So, I am sorry.  I wish I had dwelled on the positive.

What would it look like to sit in the positive?  What if we dwelled on the good?  How would your world, what you are going through, the stress you have change if we didn’t let negativity stick?  How do we do this?  I feel as if this is a big break through.  I want to be able to have bad things happen, negative comments made, painful situations occur and remain in love.  I want to love myself, I want to like myself, and I believe this is one way to start.  Sit in my positives.  Sit in what is going good, and what is working!

What do you think?

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IMG_2932I want to tell you my problem(s), but I am afraid.

I am afraid of the truth, and I am afraid that I already have the answer.  I am afraid you might see me, for me, and not who I think you want to see.

Have you ever been disappointed?  I mean really disappointed?  As in your whole day is ruined, there is no light, and you only want to crawl into a hole and….?  It amazes me how I still have days like this.  I thought I would be over this by now.  I thought I would be confident, and self assured.  I don’t know why, but these days still come.

Maybe I put too much hope in other people, and not enough hope in myself.  Maybe I have self destructive habits that only see a negative side, when there is also a large positive side.

This is what I mean.

I want to be worth something.  I want to be of value, and I know I am, but my heart doesn’t always believe it.  I struggle with myself.  This is in part due to external circumstances, but also in part due mostly to my mind.  I don’t know how to value myself, and it has been a huge part of my healing.  I wish there was something you can do, but I don’t think it would help.  I tend to believe that I will have a better sense of self worth when….

I will finally feel valuable when I….

I could write a whole list of beliefs, but I don’t think any of them are the answer.  I want one person to value me, and she doesn’t.  Or, I want one kid to value me and they don’t.  Or, I want someone to spend time on my needs, but they don’t. I will always have these needs.  I feel I will always have great expectations of others.  So what am I to do?  I don’t know if there is an answer.  I could say the answer.  I could tell you the truth, but right now I don’t know how to believe it.  I think this to be the most difficult understanding I will ever try to do.

I know I have value, I know I have worth, but there are days, and hours when it all goes away.  Have you ever been in a tunnel?  You can see deep into the darkness and the light is all but a memory.  You walk in, it gets dark, and it is there you are greeted by the unknown.  But almost as the darkness is complete your eyes adjust and find specks of light.  You begin to see again.  This is where I am at.  I can start to see the flecks of light.

I had a moment of clarity where my head and my heart connected.  I can’t tell you how, but I had an idea.  I am going through this.  It is painful but I am going through it.  Which means I am moving, growing, and building.  If you are going through something, take heart, you are moving.  It means you are not dead, you didn’t give up, and you are moving.

If you can relate, then I believe you are a human.  I do not believe I am alone on this.  I do believe I might be crazy to write about it and publish this.  I feel weak and sensitive to be saying these words.  But I also know that this is part of my healing.

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