I’ve never been in this place before
It’s like navigating the moon
No way to feel
Each day has been a new adventure. Some new corner to turn. Some new road to go down, and not all have been good. Some fun, some hard, some full, and some empty. I haven’t been able to think about much. I haven’t been able to process a lot. And in it I have leaned into something real. This is all vague, I’m not sure I want to go into more detail, but maybe in my ambiguity you can see your story.
Going through the darkness has had its blanket moments. Blanket moments are moments where I have felt as if something is with me. Moments where I feel peace when there should be no peace. Moments of a text at the right time, and a friend who can look after me when I am blind.
I went on a hike this weekend with some friends, and I took some time to be alone. I walked around to a quite side of the lake, and I laid down in the shade. I watched jet contrails cross over the tree line, block the sun, and disappear into the atmosphere. I watched the trees move and dance to a rhythm only known to them. I tried to close my eyes, but then there were flies. Lots of flies and bees. And grasshoppers. I started getting upset. I got so frustrated, and angry I yelled profanities… All I wanted was quiet…. All I wanted was stillness… All I wanted was to not be bothered… so I moved, which there were still all the bugs.
I sat and watched the trees dance, the sky rotate, and waited in the stillness. I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t want to. So, I was. I was there. On a rock, looking up, and I was. I was there. I was me, and I was enough. I thought about life. I thought about how I want to control, and I thought about my desires. Desires for my family to get well. Desires for my future. Desires for my friends, and I began to realize how life comes with mess.
Just as nature comes with bugs, so life comes with mess. You can’t have nature without nature (bugs). You can’t have life, without life(mess). We will all have it, we cannot avoid it, and yet somehow in the mess there is beauty. I have had the sweetest conversations. I have been encouraged more than I can handle. My friends listen well, and they listen to my life better than I know how. It is not easy. The darkness can seem forever long and exhausting, and that is ok. It is supposed to feel this way.
That’s all I got right now. No answer, no happy wrap up, but that is ok. I am trying to lean into this time, lean into my friends, and simply be. I hope you can find hope in this. I am trying, and it feels close. If anything, let’s hope for hope.