Abraham and Diabetes

IMG_3158(I took this photo)(the others I usually steal from the internet…)

Yesterday I thought I had diabetes.  Almost took myself to the doctor… Truly.  My heart rate was high all day, I went to the bathroom fifteen hundred times, and I felt as if my blood sugar was at an all-time low.  Signs for Diabetes are frequent urination, constant thirst, weight loss/gain, and I had thought I had it all day.

I fully understand there is a mystery in the world.  This mystery, be it Spirit, God, energy, or the deep soul inside us, but this mystery is real.  And this mystery keeps flicking my head.  At first it seems quiet, subdued, and even not discernible.  It’s like a older sibling holding you down and tapping your head.  It doesn’t hurt at first, you shake it off, but then it gets loud.

Abraham was told over and over again how He would be the Father of Nations, but Abraham was OLD.  Abraham was reminded about the promise a lot.  God kept reminding him.  And yet He did obey, but He also didn’t.  Which is why it is so beautiful.  You find a God who is a God of promises, a God of enormity, but also a God of the unknown showing up in a human’s life who doesn’t always believe.  This human is asked to have a child, but this human is 99 years old.  He is told He will be the father of Nations, but He tries it his own way sometimes… So, why is this story coming up over and over and over again in my life?

I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you what my mind does.

I hear a still small voice speaking to me, and I want it to happen now.  I began the new year off wanting to become emotional healthy, and spiritually healthy.  I read some blogs, I read a few books, and I wanted mental health.  Not that I was completely off my rocker, but I wanted health, and I wanted it immediately.  Every piece of media was see is now.  Every get in shape article is now.  I realized how I am going to need time.  A lot of time.  Maybe more time then I want to admit.  But my mechanical brain believes I can get healthy mentally right now.  BUT, it is going to take time.

This journey has felt like taking two steps forward and fifteen back.  When I start to feel some momentum, when I start to feel like I am being vulnerable and open, when I begin to feel some traction, I stutter step and fall.  I hit a wall.  I learn something new about myself, and it feels like I am digging a hole in sand.  There is almost nothing more frustrating than digging a hole in the sand.  The deeper you dig, the more sand fills in the hole…  I. just. Can’t. keep. Digging.  It is killing me.

I am going to give you the questions I ask myself constantly.  Because I believe we all do, and I have hope in the “me too”.  I’ve written some blogs that hit home with others, and maybe you can feel as if you are not alone, and you are with me.  So…

Will God fulfill his promises to me?  Did I actually hear God’s voice, or was it my own imagination?  It seems so far-fetched and like a fairy tale, but did I hear what I heard?  Why am I so afraid?  Why do others seem to prosper while I dig this stupid hole in the sand?  Is it worth it?  Why can’t I just numb the pain, and sulk in my pity party?  They are fun, and my ego loves to party with my pity.

I guess I will wait.  I guess I will start to believe in hope.  I will try to trust in God’s promise to me in my life.  I will try to trust God’s  faithfulness.  I will try to trust Him to do what he has said He will do.  And it will take time.  It won’t happen today, or tomorrow, or even in a few months.

I am still not sure about the diabetes, but some days are hard, some days are full, and time helps us all.  I did have two big cups of coffee, a crazy juice smoothie, and lots of water yesterday, so…  I want to stop freaking out about small insignificant things, and worry about trusting God.  That is what I want.  I want to stop caring about what I can not change and worry about trusting God.

You too?

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Negative Postive

steadman-clyde-long-drive-home-24x36-2450_lgI am deciding on what story to tell.  I could tell a vulnerable story that has potential to make me, or someone in my family look bad, or a tamer story?  Maybe a story of a failed relationship, or a story of my own personal hardship…  I have them all, so…

Too much of my time is focused wrongly.  I put a lot, a lot of energy in doing the very thing I wish not to do.  I linger.  I dwell.  I over think, and I over think in the worst way possible.  I believe partly because my memory is terrible, and partly because I have learned this habit.

Ok, I’ll tell you about a family story, but there is a disclaimer.  This is my brain.  These are my thoughts, and my parents are great.  No parent is perfect, and they are only doing what they know how to do.  Also, maybe this will turn out to be good.  So….

I was on my way down to visit my Pop’s, but we got a late start on the drive.  We were driving down to a conference and there were seven of us.   It’s about a seven-hour drive, depending on how many stops, traffic, or wind direction.  My pops called me to see where we were, but we had another three hours to the drive putting us in around 10:30. We talked briefly about the plans, how late I would be, what the next day was going to look like, and I hung up the phone.  I didn’t talk to anyone for a while.  I just drove.  I was upset.  I didn’t understand, and I started to wonder if I was crazy.  He said he was going to go to bed, but I took it as he wouldn’t wait up for me.  I told him how I needed to pick another person up at the airport in the morning and he reminded me how he too has a schedule and things to do.  Which I took as he doesn’t care, and he only cares about his personal schedule.  And those stuck in my brain.  For a while.


This is a big big deal.


Normal humans have been taught (or at least I have) to remember the negative.  We remember the hard, painful, trials, conversations, and we have to work hard to remember the positive.  Negativity sticks.  It lingers, we dwell, but it brings death.  It is as if we look for negative, and are surprised by the positive.  We are almost shocked when things go right, or amazed when things go our way.  Which is not life.  It is death.

My Pops built us over 150 shot gun shells.  He let eight people sleep in his house, use his beds, and shower.  He took a large chunk out of his day to teach newbies how to shoot skeet.  He was patient, He cared, and He did it because He loves me.  I realized I was dwelling on one negative comment.  Or, how I wanted to be loved.  So, I am sorry.  I wish I had dwelled on the positive.

What would it look like to sit in the positive?  What if we dwelled on the good?  How would your world, what you are going through, the stress you have change if we didn’t let negativity stick?  How do we do this?  I feel as if this is a big break through.  I want to be able to have bad things happen, negative comments made, painful situations occur and remain in love.  I want to love myself, I want to like myself, and I believe this is one way to start.  Sit in my positives.  Sit in what is going good, and what is working!

What do you think?

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IMG_2932I want to tell you my problem(s), but I am afraid.

I am afraid of the truth, and I am afraid that I already have the answer.  I am afraid you might see me, for me, and not who I think you want to see.

Have you ever been disappointed?  I mean really disappointed?  As in your whole day is ruined, there is no light, and you only want to crawl into a hole and….?  It amazes me how I still have days like this.  I thought I would be over this by now.  I thought I would be confident, and self assured.  I don’t know why, but these days still come.

Maybe I put too much hope in other people, and not enough hope in myself.  Maybe I have self destructive habits that only see a negative side, when there is also a large positive side.

This is what I mean.

I want to be worth something.  I want to be of value, and I know I am, but my heart doesn’t always believe it.  I struggle with myself.  This is in part due to external circumstances, but also in part due mostly to my mind.  I don’t know how to value myself, and it has been a huge part of my healing.  I wish there was something you can do, but I don’t think it would help.  I tend to believe that I will have a better sense of self worth when….

I will finally feel valuable when I….

I could write a whole list of beliefs, but I don’t think any of them are the answer.  I want one person to value me, and she doesn’t.  Or, I want one kid to value me and they don’t.  Or, I want someone to spend time on my needs, but they don’t. I will always have these needs.  I feel I will always have great expectations of others.  So what am I to do?  I don’t know if there is an answer.  I could say the answer.  I could tell you the truth, but right now I don’t know how to believe it.  I think this to be the most difficult understanding I will ever try to do.

I know I have value, I know I have worth, but there are days, and hours when it all goes away.  Have you ever been in a tunnel?  You can see deep into the darkness and the light is all but a memory.  You walk in, it gets dark, and it is there you are greeted by the unknown.  But almost as the darkness is complete your eyes adjust and find specks of light.  You begin to see again.  This is where I am at.  I can start to see the flecks of light.

I had a moment of clarity where my head and my heart connected.  I can’t tell you how, but I had an idea.  I am going through this.  It is painful but I am going through it.  Which means I am moving, growing, and building.  If you are going through something, take heart, you are moving.  It means you are not dead, you didn’t give up, and you are moving.

If you can relate, then I believe you are a human.  I do not believe I am alone on this.  I do believe I might be crazy to write about it and publish this.  I feel weak and sensitive to be saying these words.  But I also know that this is part of my healing.

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Me or You?

differing-views-caitlyn-grassoI see things no one does

I see things you wouldn’t believe

I have been learning how to see differently

I have been trying to teach myself how to see with new eyes.

And it sucks.

We have these desires and wants, ideas and aspirations, goals and standards, but sometimes they get in the way.  I have great desires.  It can even be “from god” and yet keeps me from God, or keeps me from believing God is good.

“Then why did God put those desires in your heart?”, my friend asks this question a lot.  We talk about why those desires are there and who put them there.  I am not saying it isn’t a good question, but I am now wondering who might have put them there.  Did God, the creator of the entire universe put this desire in my heart?  Did God, the one in whom no one can fathom, whom is invisible, and whom when you try and describe Him it always falls short, give you this desire?  Maybe, but I also have another thought.

I put the desire there, and I want it.  Which doesn’t make it wrong.  I think its just there.  And so…

We will see what we want to see.  Wont we?

I pray this prayer a lot.

God I want…. (actually its more like, God just give me…)

We place on God something we desire and rather than ask, believe, and be grateful, God somehow becomes the bad guy.  He stops being good when we do not get what we want.  We might even stop praying all together.  He stops being Love because we want Love the way we want love.  Our days turn dark, our mind begins to ache, my stomach falls into  my knee pit, and my self doubt blooms.

But maybe there is more

Maybe there is more to life, and there is something greater and beyond us.  Maybe God, Jesus, Spirit, truly does have our best interest at heart.  Even when we can’t imagine, or believe.  Could there be a mystery in this world that is far greater than what our minds can accept?  Maybe Jesus cares more than we care.  Maybe Jesus does know our desires, and our wants, but also maybe there is greater life in what He sees.  Maybe I’m afraid to pray, “God I want to see what you see”.  “God I want what you want”.

Because most days I don’t.

I put a lot of time and energy into my desires.  Too much time.  And I get down on myself when I don’t get the relationship I want, or the outcome I dreamed of.  I become obsessed and emotional when things don’t go the way I see, or want.  I fixate on why they are not working out.  I will go so far as to make up reasons why they are not happening the way I want.  It is usually wrong, but it is what I think about.  I have conversations about how situations are going to go, or how an event may or may not go down.  But what if I can trust God’s best to be better than my best?  What if I did believe Jesus?  What would it look like?  Today?  I want to start seeing what Jesus is looking at.  I want to see myself as if I can see who Jesus sees.  I want to feel Love differently.  I want to believe in Love differently.  Maybe Love isn’t what I want, but what I need?(that’s hard to believe) I want to take in empathy, time, emotions, and care towards me and enjoy!  It may not always come in the way I want, but it will come.  He will give us all the desires of our hearts, but maybe it will take different eyes to see and accept.


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Feel the Rhythm




That’s how the world works.  Seasons come, and seasons go?  Day turns to night, or is it the night turns to day?  Life can be confusing, it can turn upside down, and it can feel void and dark.

My triggers are small, they happen quickly, and I usually don’t notice until I am angry, or hurt.  I keep being reminded about growth, and how pain is good.  How death brings life, and how hard conversations build intimacy (the “I” word terrifies me).


I think I was in the fourth grade, so I would have been eight or nine, but I remember one of my darkest days.  My Mom had to come to my school, talk to the faculty, and sit in my classes.  No one else had their Mom there.  This wasn’t BTSN… I remember walking around with her feeling helpless and wanting to cry.  I was failing every class.  But I was smart.  I was capable, but I wouldn’t do any work.  I could hear what everyone was saying, but I had no reason to change.  I had no motivation, I had no dreams, and for some reason I was stuck.  It’s humiliating to have your Mom with you in the fourth grade.  And it is also painful to navigate emotions when your parents are getting a divorce, and you are moving eight hours north.  I felt alone, I felt sad, and it seemed as if I had no way out.


Transitions are hard, but I’ve found small bits of hope.


Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself a different way to handle life.  I just ran into some small bits of hope by understanding rhythm.  I was recently taught how our life cycles/seasons/transitions might begin with the end, move towards a beginning, and glide into the middle.  Sometimes transitions don’t start until something dies, or ends (to make it positive).  Sometimes growth won’t happen until something dies, or ends, or you get to the end of yourself.  This is where I am.


I am at the end

I am at the end of knowledge.  I am in the unknown.  It’s been revealed I have unhealthy areas of my life.  This transition is not going to be easy.  Somewhat like moving eight hours north.  I feel as if I am mourning the past, but getting ready for something so great it doesn’t have words.  I also don’t know how to write about it.  All I know is I am scared, I am at the end, but this new beginning has hope for good.  I understand how I can’t remain the same, but if I am going to do this right, if I am going to trust Jesus, if I am going to obey His small whisper, it is going to be painful, it will hurt, and I will need to go into my dark.


Jesus died in order to bring us all a new beginning.  When we want to gain life we have to loose it.  If you want full life you need sadness, anger, anxiety, pain, and darkness.  If I don’t feel pain, I can’t feel joy.  If I don’t feel sad, I can’t feel happiness.  In the darkness is where the light is most bright.  If you are feeling anything at all, you are alive, and that is good.  In order to grow we must die.  There is a rhythm to growth, and a rhythm to life.  Right now I’m at the bottom of a base drop, but about to start a new verse which has yet to be written.  I am ready for pain, I am ready for hard, and maybe End-Beginning-Middle is the rhythm of growth and the rhythm of life.

Can we trust our reality in which pain brings an awareness of joy?  Can we trust Jesus to be in our darkness?  Can we sit and cry, mourn the past, but celebrate a new beginning?  We can’t stop change, but we can handle how we will go through it.  I wan’t to open my eyes wide in the dark, I wan’t to feel intimacy through the pain of vulnerability, and I want to trust and have faith because nothing else has worked.

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As last year ended As every year ends 

We count down the seconds to a new beginning. (And the end of my birthday)

I’ve realized two things from 2015

I can’t do it 


I need health 

As a kid I always wanted to do it. “I can do it” 

I can open the peanut butter jar. I can mow the lawn. I can make my lunch. I can get myself up in the morning. (Even if my mom played phantom of the opera at the sound system’s peak every morning growing up)

But there was a moment when I no longer wanted help. I wanted to feel grown up or bigger or able. And with this idea I now believe I still don’t need anyone’s help. Somehow asking for help means I am weak and other people are better than me. But it is not how we are designed. 

We need each other. We need help and I need you to help me. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be whole without you. I can’t gain healing without you. I will never fully know the love of God without feeling, seeing, and experiencing Jesus in you. So I need help and I am done doing it on my own. 

I think we get caught wanting things like marriage, jobs, money, and fame over the real true life giving realities. We have misconceived concepts of our wants being our desires. Then our “desires” seem to be from God and they take over our mind. They take over our actions, but what if we truly stop and search the truth. Is the desire from God or our wantings? And, is it getting in the way?

I want to be healthy. I want a healthy mind. A healthy life. And I want a healthy spirituality. I believe it is going to mean striving for maturity in thought. Taking captive immature thinking and regain a balance of healthy people in my life. Having conversations with people and not fake thoughts up in my brain. Making the hard decisions of going to bed at a decent time and spending more on others than myself. I think it will mean learning to enjoy and be with people I am not comfortable with and spending more time doing the things that bring me life. 

So for this next year I want health and I want you. I need you. I can’t do it by myself. Help me get healthy. Help me be healthy, healed, mature, and full! 


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In relationships we trust

photo-4-Lizard-Island-AustraliaI think it is


to be single

I think

It’s Ok

Not many people write about this subject.  It is somewhat taboo. But being single is good. I have gone through many seasons of wanting, strong desires, no desires, dating, in a relationship, and back again.  I am not sure how to explain what I think about being single.  I have been asked  how I do it.  I’ve been asked by married friends and single friends.  As if I am some strong single heroic male that has the answer.  As if it isn’t a giant struggle.  As if climbing into my bed alone every night of my life is “fun”.  (Most days it is, and I jump not climb) 

Truth is, I don’t think about it much unless someone asks, or an opportunity comes up.  Sometimes people are being nice and they ask me about my dating life.  And with every fiber of my being I am brought back to the reality in which I don’t think too much about.  I am pretty independent, and I like what I do.  I enjoy my life, I enjoy my friends, I enjoy where I am in life, and I enjoy doing things now. 

I’ve learned we believe in a myth, and the myth is…

When I am in a relationship

Life will be easier

I will feel whole

They will complete me

They will be my better half

They will love me back

I won’t feel lonely anymore

I will laugh more

Feel full more

Have less doubts

Places will hold more meaning

Experience will have more power

Finally be able to love someone

Give good gifts

My insecurities will be gone

Have someone to talk with

(I could keep writing)

(There have been times and seasons where dwelling on being single has lead me into extreme depression or believing terrible lies.  I could be in the greatest spot on earth, with the best of friends, but completely dwelling on the idea that this moment would be better with someone who loves me… (Maybe you’re not like me) (Am I alone on this?))

As is most of what the world teaches, these are lies.  If I have learned anything from being single it is this.  Start now.  You can feel whole now.  You can love others now.  You do not have to wait for a significant other to pour out love.  Find someone in your life you can invest in.  Do things for.  Take care of, and love doing it.  It has taught me many interesting facts.  The biggest being my intentions. 

I am learning to love other people regardless if I ever see any return on my investment.  I am learning to take criticism well, and not brush it aside.  I am learning to evaluate my emotions and give them their place.  Why?  Because it is a part of being full.  It is a part of following Jesus.  Jesus didn’t have a significant other, and he was content, full, and desired what His Father desired.  Maybe that is it. 

“But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”  We need to decide what kingdom we are seeking.  We need to realize the difference between our desires and His.  What does it truly look like to be single?  What does it mean to seek His kingdom?  What do you truly want?  Are you wanting someone to tell you your beautiful? (Because you are) Are you wanting someone to tell you, you have what it takes? (Because you do)  Are you wishing you had someone to hold you and rock you and whisper its going to be alright? (Because He does that) 

Maybe our selfish desires get in the way

Maybe our motives are wrong

Maybe I want someone in my life to make me look good/feel good/serve me/feed me, when truly we shouldn’t keep that from stopping us right now.  You can love someone today.  Chances are they need it.  Chances are the Kingdom of God has good things in store for you that are far greater than a relationship. 

Being single can be a gift.  A brilliant ability to see life for what it is.  To love recklessly now.  To spoil your friends.  To do His will.  And to simply enjoy.  To lose this gift is the same as losing yourself.  I know who I am more, I know who He is more, and for this gift I will praise Him.  Please share your struggles below!  I hope this has helped in one way or another. 

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