Sometimes you have to be honest
There is nothing better than honesty, and there is nothing better than being true to yourself. We have a habit of lying to ourselves. We tend to be our worst advocate. We tend to be our own worst nightmare. We do not let ourselves believe. We don’t let ourselves trust. We don’t let ourselves feel, or obey.
Jesus said a lot about building ourselves up. Jesus spent most of his time telling people who they truly were. And I spend most of my time tearing myself apart. I rip into my flesh. I speak evil, and I war agains’t my own flesh. The same flesh Jesus is proud of. The same flesh Jesus has hope for.
I was given a gift a few weeks ago. I didn’t deserve it. There was nothing to warrant the gift, and yet it was so beautiful. Someone had listened to me, and through the gift I was given hope. Hope for life now, and hope for life in the future.
I tend to obey and follow Jesus because of the “because”. I will obey, or not obey because. Because He will bless me, or He will take away. I think this is most of us. I will give away my money because in return I will…. I will feed the homeless because in return I will receive….. And I am not sure this works for me.
I’ve always been a big guy. Broad shoulders, nice calves, and my stomach… But nothing could motivate me to lose weight or look better. There were moments, I had inspiring glimpses of why I should, but in the end they would fail. I needed results, I needed motivations, and I needed someone telling me good job. Part of it is true, and part of it isn’t. We do need to help spur each other on, but also our motivation needs to come from a place of purity. I need to try and be the best me. I need to treat my body for how it was made.
And so I am writing this for myself. I need to stop bad habits for Jesus. I need to be Christ focused, and lose myself in his awareness. I need to be obedient for Jesus. Not because there is some eternal reward. Not because my life will be better later, when I am older, but because Jesus is worth it. What happens when you obey and the next day you don’t feel better, or you don’t feel his blessings? For Him I will live and breath. For him I will move and rest. Can I find this pain of suffering, advance through, push the limits, and my reward be more Jesus? Can that be enough? Will I allow myself to hurt, be lonely, and rest in Jesus? At times I can’t. At times it isn’t enough. I succumb to my flesh, I give into my desires, and they always leave me feeling empty and more unsatisfied. My motivation can’t be to not feel bad about myself. I do not want to make obedience into a mechanical device that I can check and balance. I want to obey because Jesus is worth it. Because, He is.
There is hope, there is obedience, and there is all of this because of Jesus. I need to stop believing the lies. I need to build myself up, and stop tearing myself apart. I need to have pure motivation. And so I will go on with dissatisfaction and consider it pure joy, with not an ounce of “because”.