That’s how the world works. Seasons come, and seasons go? Day turns to night, or is it the night turns to day? Life can be confusing, it can turn upside down, and it can feel void and dark.
My triggers are small, they happen quickly, and I usually don’t notice until I am angry, or hurt. I keep being reminded about growth, and how pain is good. How death brings life, and how hard conversations build intimacy (the “I” word terrifies me).
I think I was in the fourth grade, so I would have been eight or nine, but I remember one of my darkest days. My Mom had to come to my school, talk to the faculty, and sit in my classes. No one else had their Mom there. This wasn’t BTSN… I remember walking around with her feeling helpless and wanting to cry. I was failing every class. But I was smart. I was capable, but I wouldn’t do any work. I could hear what everyone was saying, but I had no reason to change. I had no motivation, I had no dreams, and for some reason I was stuck. It’s humiliating to have your Mom with you in the fourth grade. And it is also painful to navigate emotions when your parents are getting a divorce, and you are moving eight hours north. I felt alone, I felt sad, and it seemed as if I had no way out.
Transitions are hard, but I’ve found small bits of hope.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself a different way to handle life. I just ran into some small bits of hope by understanding rhythm. I was recently taught how our life cycles/seasons/transitions might begin with the end, move towards a beginning, and glide into the middle. Sometimes transitions don’t start until something dies, or ends (to make it positive). Sometimes growth won’t happen until something dies, or ends, or you get to the end of yourself. This is where I am.
I am at the end
I am at the end of knowledge. I am in the unknown. It’s been revealed I have unhealthy areas of my life. This transition is not going to be easy. Somewhat like moving eight hours north. I feel as if I am mourning the past, but getting ready for something so great it doesn’t have words. I also don’t know how to write about it. All I know is I am scared, I am at the end, but this new beginning has hope for good. I understand how I can’t remain the same, but if I am going to do this right, if I am going to trust Jesus, if I am going to obey His small whisper, it is going to be painful, it will hurt, and I will need to go into my dark.
Jesus died in order to bring us all a new beginning. When we want to gain life we have to loose it. If you want full life you need sadness, anger, anxiety, pain, and darkness. If I don’t feel pain, I can’t feel joy. If I don’t feel sad, I can’t feel happiness. In the darkness is where the light is most bright. If you are feeling anything at all, you are alive, and that is good. In order to grow we must die. There is a rhythm to growth, and a rhythm to life. Right now I’m at the bottom of a base drop, but about to start a new verse which has yet to be written. I am ready for pain, I am ready for hard, and maybe End-Beginning-Middle is the rhythm of growth and the rhythm of life.
Can we trust our reality in which pain brings an awareness of joy? Can we trust Jesus to be in our darkness? Can we sit and cry, mourn the past, but celebrate a new beginning? We can’t stop change, but we can handle how we will go through it. I wan’t to open my eyes wide in the dark, I wan’t to feel intimacy through the pain of vulnerability, and I want to trust and have faith because nothing else has worked.