I’ve been absent
I’ve been busy?
I haven’t wanted to write in a long time. It almost seems as though no one reads anymore. I know I don’t. I rarely read anything other than the news that catches my eye, or is relevant to what I already believe.
I feel as if what I am about to share is every human ever. I feel as though my life is completely cyclical and will never change. I feel as if I am on a never ending cycle of the same old thing.
I’ve been looking at my life as a whole, and it all seems like everything I do to change either gets spat back in my face, or I go back to my own vomit. (Positive moment) I do feel as if I am different, and I have grown, but for the most part my life cycles seem repetitive. Mainly in the realm of relationships.
I learned I am a two on the enneagram, but with being a two there are a lot, and I mean A LOT to do with feelings. It’s weird because I hate emotions. Growing up I was taught to hide my emotions. If I was sad or in pain I was told to go to my room until I could come out happy. One of the aspects of being a two is that you don’t feel as if you deserve love. You don’t feel lovable, and you don’t believe you deserve it. It’s a true statement, and it also sucks. A lot. You never feel good enough, and you are always trying to earn love from others. It’s exhausting, and it takes a large toll on your emotional health.
I have a pattern of getting into relationships with humans who will never love me, or who can’t love me. I’m sure it’s subconscious, but it is a pattern I fall into. All the time. I am like a moth to a flame. You would think I would learn, but I usually end up being more involved and over think every detail. And what I don’t do is simply just let it be. Or let it develop, or even, let it happen naturally.
Deep down somewhere I don’t believe I have what it takes. There is something in my system, like a diarrhea of sorts, where I begin to try and impress people. Either by making them laugh, showing all my “great qualities”, or I do too much. I can easily start a relationship, but it quickly fades when I start to believe I need to impress, or they can’t see my true self because that I don’t believe that’s attractive. And so the decline starts, and the worry begins, and begins, and begins, and continues the cycle.
I have given up worry.
I just stopped.
It almost feels lazy, or sluggish, but I have truly started to give no f’s.
Worrying is for not. I’ve been learning, over my many years of disappointment, that worrying is worth nothing. It has no monetary value, it can’t produce anything other than terrible diseases, and it is absolutely illogical. I can usually chalk it up to unspoken conversations, uncertain circumstances, or simply the fear of the unknown. Those are my most current worries, but lately I have been able to put them in the back seat. I can see the worry in the rearview mirror, but I don’t let it take control. I simply see it for what it is, and decided to move forward and go about my day as if it is still going to be a good day. It’s the hardest thing I have had to try and practice, but lately it’s been working.
I feel as though my cycles are close to ending, and a new beginning is about to start. I have been gaining a lot of freedom by not letting worry or anxiety control my life. I am starting to see that I am worth it. I am worth the love I give, and I am worthy down to my core.
It has not been easy, but it has been a new start.
Sorry it has been so long
It might be another long wait until the next blog, but thank you for reading.