One of the most terrifying things you can do is take time to feel where your heart is. You might find that it is with someone. You might find that your heart is in the future somewhere. I tend to believe my heart lives full and whole in a time not yet. And so my treasures are…
A time coming
Conversations in my head
There seems to be a calculated voice in my head I listen to and it instructs me on what will make me happy. It makes me believe there is a time coming when I will feel full and fully alive. And until I get what I want I will be un-satisfied, and left feeling empty.
“Where your treasure is there your heart will be”
“God will give you the desires of your heart”
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”
“God gives good gifts”
These are all things people say, think, and what I try to believe, but these are not easy statements to understand. Sometimes it makes me think of God as if He is some wise old coot waiting for me to want what He wants so He can finally give it to me. Some days I see God as a generous Father who if his son asks for a fish will he not give him a fish? But what if the son’s fish he is asking for is too big? What if the fish I am asking for is too beautiful? What if the fish I am asking for is the fish I want, but not the fish I need???
And then I remember who Jesus really is. I remember how He sees me. I remember the embrace, the hug, the dance, and my joy is restored. My faith is affirmed, and who I am doesn’t matter because I am with Him, and He matters. When I spend time contemplating Jesus my heart is quiet, my soul is eased, and any pain I have from wonder, wanting, and desires fade slowly in His presence. He points out the clouds and whispers “be still, I have you right where I want you.”. He shows me the sunset He painted and gently nudges me and says, “I know, I know, what you are wanting, the things you desire, your heart, Trevor I know your heart, and it is good. Trust me. Give me time, I won’t disappoint” Then I understand. For a brief moment I understand. For a split second all is right in the world. I feel as if I have been heard. And all it took was for me to open my heart to God, let Him see my desires, let Him see my wants and sit back and listen. Because what I want and desire may truly not be what I want or desire and what I need might be the best thing for me. What I need is Him. What I need is more time to be quiet and still. What I need is to see myself for who I am to Him.
Where do you find your value and self-worth? Who or what tells you who you are? Do you believe if you ask for bread that God will give you a stone?
I read this quote this week and it’s been stuck in my brain, but ““God is always trying to give good things to us, but our hands are too full to receive them.” — Augustine