I have a few Yoda type people in my life. Not sure if you do too? Mine is even Yoda sized…. Not really, but the way He guides me, builds me, and rebukes me makes me better every time we meet.
He said I need to live more in the grey.
I was pretty sure I already live in the grey.
He is usually right, and like Yoda, I don’t know what he means. Lately I have been afraid and alone. Maybe you are not like me, but I have been going through a book which makes me want to curl up and die. In a good way. But it has been revealing my struggles I don’t realize are struggles.
I am afraid people will see me for who I really am. I am wounded, a monster at times, and I am selfishly ruled by fear. I do not trust people to see past my mistakes, or to see any goodness through my exterior false facades. I do not believe people will like me unless I make them laugh, or smile. I don’t believe half of the population will like me because of my body. I find flaws in them before they can find flaws in me. I pick them apart before they can do it to me. I do this to girls so when they stop having feelings for me I can tell myself all the bad parts of them that I didn’t like anyways. I make sure I find every flaw, defect, and pet peeve I don’t like so I can have an excuse not to like them. It is the first thing I do when I come to almost any person. I do this excessively. I do not let people be people first. I find all that is wrong with them, assess it all, make up my mind about them and why they do certain things or act in particular ways. And it then begins to be hard to get a different outlook. I do not see them as people, but I see them as a means. A means for me to feel good about myself. A means to make me feel good or pleasure. These are my black and white areas. This is what I believe my mentor meant. I believe he want’s me to live more in the grey of life. I want to stop putting people into categories, or classifying them a certain way. I am currently working on all these areas. These are all thoughts I am trying to stop and rebuke. I want, and I need to serve all people, regardless, love them, regardless, bless them, weather they will ever return the favor. Risk bigger Trevor. Risk being hurt. Risk feeling loss. Risk feeling pain, it will only make you what you want to become.
I’ve recently lost a bit of weight. Mostly by anxiety and caffein, but still. I have been hitting this area of my life really hard. Running a ton, hiking, eating right ish, and trying. My mentor asked why I don’t try as hard in other areas of my life as my physical body. And well… I am not sure. Paul tells us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. Why is it so hard to pursuit God? Why is it so difficult to believe and to Trust? Why am I not able to hand over, give away, pray, and believe? I don’t know. But I want to try.
This thought just happend while writing this:
Trevor, don’t stop typing because you just saw someone looking at you and now your mind is wondering about what you believe they were thinking. It has no meaning if they think I am good at typing, or if they know about what I do for a living or not. So what if I have something on my face, or how I am not matching… I need to be content in being myself.
I am afraid. My life is controlled by fear. I do not want you to see my real self. Not my ability to play some character I believe I should be playing. I don’t need to be anything other than who I am. I don’t need to be funny. I don’t need to be beautiful or the most attractive person. I will never be. I will and can only be me. I can only be who God has created me to be right now. I can’t be what I believe other people will like, adore, love, laugh with, but I know this takes time. Most days I like putting on the “act”. I like believing in the fantasy of the faces I have been promoting for years. I have grown to love that person. I do not love the person I am on the outside. I am a scared male who plays a strong spiritual man on TV. I am scared to let people into my inner life. Scared to show people my flaws. Scared to let people love me and show me how to love. I am scared to have the wrong answer. Scared people will see I don’t have it all together.
Maybe you can help. Maybe we can all try this. Can I believe differently? Can I see myself differently? Can I change and let someone get close to me? I guess I can at least give it a shot. Not everything has to go the way I plan or see fit.
So, I will try to put some grey on. No one sees the world the way I see it. Maybe I can stop putting words in other peoples mouths. Maybe I can be real and authentic. Maybe people will like me regardless. Maybe people will love me with or without a nice body. (Still going for the V to the D look tho)!