I stopped worrying

I’ve been lazy

I’ve been absent

I’ve been busy?

 

I haven’t wanted to write in a long time.  It almost seems as though no one reads anymore.  I know I don’t.  I rarely read anything other than the news that catches my eye, or is relevant to what I already believe.

 

But

 

I feel as if what I am about to share is every human ever.  I feel as though my life is completely cyclical and will never change.  I feel as if I am on a never ending cycle of the same old thing.

 

I’ve been looking at my life as a whole, and it all seems like everything I do to change either gets spat back in my face, or I go back to my own vomit.  (Positive moment) I do feel as if I am different, and I have grown, but for the most part my life cycles seem repetitive.  Mainly in the realm of relationships.

 

I learned I am a two on the enneagram, but with being a two there are a lot, and I mean A LOT to do with feelings.  It’s weird because I hate emotions.  Growing up I was taught to hide my emotions.  If I was sad or in pain I was told to go to my room until I could come out happy.  One of the aspects of being a two is that you don’t feel as if you deserve love.  You don’t feel lovable, and you don’t believe you deserve it.  It’s a true statement, and it also sucks.  A lot.  You never feel good enough, and you are always trying to earn love from others.  It’s exhausting, and it takes a large toll on your emotional health.

 

I have a pattern of getting into relationships with humans who will never love me, or who can’t love me.  I’m sure it’s subconscious, but it is a pattern I fall into.  All the time.  I am like a moth to a flame.  You would think I would learn, but I usually end up being more involved and over think every detail.  And what I don’t do is simply just let it be.  Or let it develop, or even, let it happen naturally.

 

Deep down somewhere I don’t believe I have what it takes.  There is something in my system, like a diarrhea of sorts, where I begin to try and impress people.  Either by making them laugh, showing all my “great qualities”, or I do too much.  I can easily start a relationship, but it quickly fades when I start to believe I need to impress, or they can’t see my true self because that I don’t believe that’s attractive.  And so the decline starts, and the worry begins, and begins, and begins, and continues the cycle.

 

Until recent.

I have given up worry.

I just stopped.

It almost feels lazy, or sluggish, but I have truly started to give no f’s.

 

Worrying is for not.  I’ve been learning, over my many years of disappointment, that worrying is worth nothing.  It has no monetary value, it can’t produce anything other than terrible diseases, and it is absolutely illogical.  I can usually chalk it up to unspoken conversations, uncertain circumstances, or simply the fear of the unknown.  Those are my most current worries, but lately I have been able to put them in the back seat.  I can see the worry in the rearview mirror, but I don’t let it take control.  I simply see it for what it is, and decided to move forward and go about my day as if it is still going to be a good day.   It’s the hardest thing I have had to try and practice, but lately it’s been working.

 

I feel as though my cycles are close to ending, and a new beginning is about to start.  I have been gaining a lot of freedom by not letting worry or anxiety control my life.  I am starting to see that I am worth it.  I am worth the love I give, and I am worthy down to my core.

 

It has not been easy, but it has been a new start.

 

Sorry it has been so long

It might be another long wait until the next blog, but thank you for reading.

 

Trevor

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It will never get better

I met with a wise sage yesterday.

It was, and it wasn’t comforting.  Sometimes I want someone to tell me that I will one day arrive.  Instead most people, especially if they are over 50, say life is always going to be this way.

I was complaining about feeling as if every time I get my feet under me something tears the rug right out beneath my feet.  Be it an unexpected bill from the federal government, a friend saying “we need to talk”, or just the uneasiness of work.  You would think by now these feelings wouldn’t destroy me.  You think I would have learned a mantra, or a prayer, or a way to combat feeling like piece of sh*t.

But,

I keep returning to a new mindset I’m working on.  It has to do with letting things in.  This sounds new agey, but these practices go back to the desert fathers.  Allowing all emotions in.  You invite them into your head space, your body, your soul, and you let them sit, wallow, even walk around, and then you try to release them for what they are.  (My twenty year old self would have called me weird and crazy) This is also how to capture every thought.  It is what Paul tells us to do.  But, it has been helping me, and allowing me to have dumb hard things happen, and my day continue to be good.

Disclaimer: I am still working on this, and I still have days that blow all my candles out, but (we all need more buts in our lives) I’m working on this.  It is all a big game of learning, unlearning, trying, and doing it again.  Now being in my third decade of life I have some track records.  Not all good, none world record breaking, but I have been around the sun a few times or two.

What I keep hearing is life doesn’t change.  If there are any altruisms that are all encompassing, these might be them.  You will always have to pay taxes.  Sometimes your bank account is going to start with zero.  Not everyone is going to be your friend, or even like you.  You will ruffle feathers, you will make people mad, not everyone will agree with you, and

It is going to be ok.

So, maybe we can try to let in the “bad” parts of life.  Give them space to walk around.  See them for what they are, and put them in their place so you may move on.  It’s almost as if we can start to anticipate stuff sucking in life, get ready for when they do, but know consciously and subconsciously that it doesn’t mean we are bad people.  It doesn’t mean all of life is now always going to be like this.  It doesn’t mean that it is the end of all things good.  With every dark night of the soul, there a dawn of hope.  A new morning, and a new beginning.

There is more room in this life for good, and bad, and ugly, and joy, and fun, and laughter, and pain.  It all belongs, it all has a place, and

It is going to be ok.

Trevor Ganz

Trevor.yl@gmail.com

916.531.2412

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What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

“Life,

is hard.”

 

Lately it is as if every good thing I try to do backfires.  Not in a fun, “let’s do it again” sort of way.  More like a, “I’m done trying” sort of way.  Maybe you feel the same?  It’s like digging a hole in a sand pit.

 

Or,

 

No matter how hard you try, someone is always there to make sure you know it’s not going to happen.  As if the thing you are trying to do is impossible.  I can’t imagine what life would be like if every idea you had was met with positive people encouraging you?

 

It is almost as if people do not want you to succeed because in some way that means they failed?  I hope this scenario is not the case, but either consciously or subconsciously it does make some sense.

I haven’t written in a while, not because I don’t have ideas, or thoughts, but because I have been afraid.  I have been afraid of people mistaking my words.  I have been afraid of people not reading this.  I have been weary of feedback, or opposition, but I also realize not many people read this, and, opposition is a sign of forward progress.

In no way am I saying I am a revolutionary, or visionary, or anything close to any of those ary words, but…

I can’t help thinking how people who move forward, people who challenge, and explore had to feel this same feeling.  When we are dealing with progress and moving forward there will always be an opposition.  Whether it is in your own head (your own self-doubt), or being told to not do or say things from others on the outside, this opposition has to always be there.  If it were not there, everyone would be an innovator/entrepreneur/business creator/author, and lots of lots of “or” positions.

 

I often forget how doing good will always be met with an equal and dangerous negative force.  I believe it is a law of inertia, but I’m no geologist.  I’ll give you an example.

My best friend and I want to start a podcast.  We have great ideas, but as soon as, well even before we have started we are already being met by opposition.  Either the podcast already exists, it takes money we don’t have to start it, someone saying it won’t work, or our own minds telling us it’s a stupid pipedream.  (Would love encouragement on this if you want to text me)…

 

I’m going to recant my first sentence.  “Life, is hard”, it’s not true.  Life, is easy.  If you want to live a normal life, have a normal job, pay normal bills, and stay in seemingly safe controlled parameters, life is pretty easy.  But, maybe this is what it should say, “full life, is hard”, “Not giving up, is hard”, “Starting something new, is hard”, “Being creative, is hard”, and maybe I’ll even receive push back from this exact post, but that is what happens if you are moving forward.

 

Truly I am writing this to myself to encourage myself.  Keep pushing forward.  Keep asking questions.  I love thinking about what I would create if I knew I couldn’t fail.  It gives me the ability to dream, play, and enjoy life a little.

 

So, I would rather live a hard life, than an easy life.  Jesus says in life we will have struggles, we will have hardship, we will get push back, but, take heart Jesus has overcome the world.

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The Big Questions


I don’t know when it happened, but lately people come to me with really hard questions.  It’s been a lot of people.  And really difficult questions.  I mean the type of questions that there truly might not be answers.

 

Have you had these conversations?

They start like this.

 

“Hey Trevor, I have a question.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.  What do you think about hell?”, or, “Hey Trevor, what are your thoughts on sin?”, or “Yo, Trevor, is God a man?”

 

Anyone?  Anyone else have these types of conversations?

 

My response is normally, “how much time do you have?”!  But truly I wonder why more people are thinking about these topics.  I am not going to answer those questions here.  You can buy me coffee and I will tell you the answer, but for now, my real concern is why more and more people are thinking about this?

 

The afterlife?

The ideas of sin?

What gender is God?

How do you know the bible is true?

How do you know Jesus was real?

 

And I have come to one conclusion.  We are all human, we all have questions, and right now it seems as if nothing in life is certain.  This world feels divided right now, and it is in every aspect of life.  It isn’t just political anymore.  It is faith, school, identity, gender, drinking, love, guns, environment, and even now who the bachelor should have chosen or not…  it’s as if division drives us, and we can’t see how bad it truly is.  Even being against division is a side to take…

 

So where do we go?

What can we hold on to?

What is ok, and what is not?

 

Well, Romans 10:23 comes in pretty handy these days.

“Everything is permissible,” but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible,” but not everything builds up.”

 

What are we doing to build up?  What are we doing to include?  What are we doing to grow and be more full?  Does your life look like an axis going up and away, or is it flat lined and dead?  Do more things belong, or are more things now out?  Are you building each other up or kicking each other down?  Is your friend group growing to be more diverse in thought and actions, or is your world closed off and not open to different thoughts and ideas?

 

Seems divisive even writing those questions, but are the questions you ask, or have, growing you to be a better more inclusive and life giving person, or are your questions because you want to be right and others wrong?  This is what I aim for when we meet.  Are we as a group of humans becoming better humans?  Are we as Christ followers becoming more like him, or are we pushing people away?

 

Do you have these questions so you can make this world better, or are you simply gaining more certainty?  One helps, the other hurts.  And that is what Paul was getting at in Romans.  Are you helping people grow, or are you leading people towards death?

Blessings

 

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Do you see what I see?

I take too much in

And don’t keep the good.

 

What you want to see in this world is what you will see.  I think I have good days with this and I have bad days.  If I want to believe everyone is for me, and loves me, and wants the best for me, I will see that.  If I believe people don’t like me, are against me, think I am a terrible person, that is what I will see.  If you think the world is going up in flames, everyone is getting the things you want, and you are always under water, then, you will see that.  If you only live in a world of daisies and marmalade, you live in a fantasy.

 

You can call it disposition.  You can call it a mindset, or a point of view, but I like to call it hope.  Hope for great things yet to come.  Hope for new.  Hope for more and abundance.

 

I have a friend who likes to remind me to unclench. (My fists)

 

I tend to be polarized and dualistic.  I think we as humans may all fall prey to this as well, but I am learning to not hold tightly to much.  I listen to a podcast that talks about Judaism and they have a concept I love.  It’s how Rabbis walk around with two pieces of paper.  One piece in their right pocket has on it, “The universe was made for you”, and the other, “You come from the dust”.  Both powerful, both incredibly deep and insightful, but the goal is to live in between.

 

If you live only believe you are dust and garbage, that is all you will see.  YOU will mark your days by all your mistakes.  You will live in the dumb sentences you say, and idiotic comments made for a laugh.  But if you only live believing the universe was made for you, and you alone, you will become an incredulous narcissist.  So, I think it’s both.

 

How can we have poor words said against us, take them for what they are, and not let it define us?  How can we have amazing success, or an awesome day and celebrate it?

 

I’ve recently had two occurrences of someone sharing with me my faults in life, and it hurt, it was valid, but I also had to realize it wasn’t the end of the day.  I’m trying to see good in the hard.  I am trying to understand my mistakes are not my identity, and my God is not going to let me be content.  God want’s growth, God wants new and change, and sometimes it hurts and is uncomfortable, but the pain will not define me.  It actually might be impossible to define yourself, because we are always changing and growing.

 

So, I hope we hope. I hope we continue to grow and learn and keep learning about ourselves.  I hope we know what we see isn’t always what is.  I hope we don’t hold tightly to one side, or one way.  I hope we try and see outside of our mindsets or viewpoints, and let in the good with the bad.  Take the hard and the fun and hold them loosely.  We are not our mistakes and we are not our successes.

 

We are between.

 

Be bold

 

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Why not why

It might be the most important question you ever learn to ask.

I’m not sure why more people don’t ask why?  But, it is the most important question you will ever ask.  It is how I am at the point in my spiritual journey.  It is what I learned in theology classes.  It is what I ask every day, night, morning, and afternoon.

But for some reason, people are afraid to ask why.

Maybe it is growing up.  Maybe your parents got sick of answering the questions.  Why?  Because the stove is hot, and you shouldn’t touch it.  Why?  Because dinner is in a few minutes and cookies will spoil your appetite.  Why?  Because we’re watching a movie and you’ve made enough paper airplanes for one day….  Just me?  (not having context for those makes me laugh a little on the inside) …

But there is a point where we stop asking why in situations that deserve great and giant WHYS.

The fear I believe comes from not wanting to look dumb.  Or, it is a fear of the answer not being what we want or have been told our whole life.  Most of us are now at a place where we are older and should know things so we don’t ask why.  We shrug our shoulders, we go with the flow, we simply let things be.  And so things go unchecked, organizations go uninformed, or we stay doing the same old thing, for same old things sake.

I was 20, moved away from Mom for the first time, and I lived in these apartments with my sister.  She would be gone for weeks at a time and I basically lived alone.  My church was literally up the road.  I walked there a few times, but it was a big steep hill, so I drove a bunch as well.  But, I met this guy.  He lived under us in the same building, and one day after church he invited me over.  He and his wife lived in a two-bedroom apartment with their two-year-old, and he started having me over.  We would talk about church, we would talk about life, and he started asking me why.  No matter what answer I had he always came back with why.  And it dominated my thinking.  I had never before been challenged, or pushed to ask why.  It was so crazy to start wondering and figuring out things on my own.  It was the first spark that lit a fire of wonder in me.  I didn’t know it, but it began my spiritual journey, personal journey, and theological rollercoaster.

If I never started asking why, I would not have the freedom, beauty, and life of color I live in today.  I wouldn’t have read the books I’ve read.  I wouldn’t talk to the people I talk to.  I wouldn’t listen to the podcasts I listen to, and the greatest part is how the world is now much bigger and brighter.  Things make more sense.  And as scary as some of the questions of why are, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

My charge to us all is to keep asking questions.  Questions lead to… more questions.  And more questions lead to, well, a bigger world.  Where more things belong.  My understanding of people, culture, and genuine curiosity of this universe has made me a better person.  So I think.

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Self Sabotage

Sounds like a great Rage Against the Machine song.

Maybe you are like me and you feel like life is three steps forwards and eight hundred back?  Just me?  Well, I believe it has a lot to do with me and my inner life.  Or, my inner life I don’t know exists because it happens subconsciously.

There are things going on under our radars.  It happens beneath the surface and when you notice, it’s usually too late.  Why do I do the things I do not want to do?  Sub conscious self-sabotage.  That is my answer. And it happens like this.

I am going to start being better at eating, waking up and going for a walk, and doing some form of quiet time.  I am, and I will start… Tomorrow.  There is something in my brain that makes me fail.  I put traps in my way, and I do it without knowing.

If I believed, in my core, I deserve good things, if I believe God is a God of abundance and not scarcity, I wouldn’t sabotage myself.  I have always believed in my own badness, not goodness, which means bad people deserve bad things.  So in order to retrain my brain I need to believe differently.

We live in a world that is crying out abundance and fullness.  But when someone gets something good, or does something good, we react poorly.  Our first thought is, “Now I won’t get ______”.  It’s inevitable.  If you are looking for a job, and your friend gets a job, you might even say, “Must be nice…” instead of celebrating their victory with them.  But it is a sign of ultimate belief.  We believe the world is finite.  We believe the world only has so many jobs, girlfriend/boyfriends, classes, opportunities, and goodness.

The problem I have is how I believe my narrative is already written.  I believe in my soul I don’t deserve love and, even deeper, I am not worthy of love.  So, I don’t love myself.  Let’s say I want to lose weight.  If I believed in my core I deserve a good body, I would not eat those handful of potato chips at the party.  I wouldn’t have, “Just one more beer”, or “It’s only one slice of pizza”.  But because I don’t believe I deserve a better body, I eat one bad thing, or drink one more bad drink, and I do it without knowing.  But the true deep formidable advisory is not losing weight, but believing I deserve to have a healthy lifestyle, a structured habit of exercise, and a focused diet.  Because I deserve it.

This same mentality flows over into every aspect of my life.  It flows into my dating world.  I don’t believe I deserve the girl I’m interested in so subconsciously I sabotage the entirety of the relationship.  Deep in my core I don’t believe I will ever be able to, willing to, or deserve to have the girl I desire.  So, I do dumb things, I believe their interested in body image, or money, or a funny guy, and I over impress in those areas which leads to contempt.  No one likes anyone who tries to show off.  Everyone loves the person who can simply be themselves.  The person who doesn’t try, who simply is.  That person believes in their core they are worthy of love.  They are worthy of the person they desire.  And they don’t self-sabotage.

I could write a novel on dating, I’m just not sure there are enough pages on the internet to suffice.  Maybe, also, one day Ill have the courage to share.  My blog stats would sky rocket if I did.

But my plea to myself lately is to do one thing good for myself.  It could be to do the dishes when they arise.  Make my bed.  Do not eat the handful of chips, or slice of pizza.  I am trying not to eat, or do the thing I know I will regret tomorrow when I am of sound mind.

And the key to the sound mind, is

When you do the good thing for yourself, tell yourself you deserve it.  Sit in it.  Say how proud of yourself you are for not indulging in the food you fight, or friends who have beers.  Be so proud of yourself for getting to the gym or going on the walk.  Be incredibly thankful for the ability to say no, or yes, and how you are learning to love yourself.  Be proud you didn’t indulge in self sabotage.  Be yourself around everyone, do not try to impress, but be impressive by being yourself.

Hope this makes sense.  Be blessed

 

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