Self Sabotage

Sounds like a great Rage Against the Machine song.

Maybe you are like me and you feel like life is three steps forwards and eight hundred back?  Just me?  Well, I believe it has a lot to do with me and my inner life.  Or, my inner life I don’t know exists because it happens subconsciously.

There are things going on under our radars.  It happens beneath the surface and when you notice, it’s usually too late.  Why do I do the things I do not want to do?  Sub conscious self-sabotage.  That is my answer. And it happens like this.

I am going to start being better at eating, waking up and going for a walk, and doing some form of quiet time.  I am, and I will start… Tomorrow.  There is something in my brain that makes me fail.  I put traps in my way, and I do it without knowing.

If I believed, in my core, I deserve good things, if I believe God is a God of abundance and not scarcity, I wouldn’t sabotage myself.  I have always believed in my own badness, not goodness, which means bad people deserve bad things.  So in order to retrain my brain I need to believe differently.

We live in a world that is crying out abundance and fullness.  But when someone gets something good, or does something good, we react poorly.  Our first thought is, “Now I won’t get ______”.  It’s inevitable.  If you are looking for a job, and your friend gets a job, you might even say, “Must be nice…” instead of celebrating their victory with them.  But it is a sign of ultimate belief.  We believe the world is finite.  We believe the world only has so many jobs, girlfriend/boyfriends, classes, opportunities, and goodness.

The problem I have is how I believe my narrative is already written.  I believe in my soul I don’t deserve love and, even deeper, I am not worthy of love.  So, I don’t love myself.  Let’s say I want to lose weight.  If I believed in my core I deserve a good body, I would not eat those handful of potato chips at the party.  I wouldn’t have, “Just one more beer”, or “It’s only one slice of pizza”.  But because I don’t believe I deserve a better body, I eat one bad thing, or drink one more bad drink, and I do it without knowing.  But the true deep formidable advisory is not losing weight, but believing I deserve to have a healthy lifestyle, a structured habit of exercise, and a focused diet.  Because I deserve it.

This same mentality flows over into every aspect of my life.  It flows into my dating world.  I don’t believe I deserve the girl I’m interested in so subconsciously I sabotage the entirety of the relationship.  Deep in my core I don’t believe I will ever be able to, willing to, or deserve to have the girl I desire.  So, I do dumb things, I believe their interested in body image, or money, or a funny guy, and I over impress in those areas which leads to contempt.  No one likes anyone who tries to show off.  Everyone loves the person who can simply be themselves.  The person who doesn’t try, who simply is.  That person believes in their core they are worthy of love.  They are worthy of the person they desire.  And they don’t self-sabotage.

I could write a novel on dating, I’m just not sure there are enough pages on the internet to suffice.  Maybe, also, one day Ill have the courage to share.  My blog stats would sky rocket if I did.

But my plea to myself lately is to do one thing good for myself.  It could be to do the dishes when they arise.  Make my bed.  Do not eat the handful of chips, or slice of pizza.  I am trying not to eat, or do the thing I know I will regret tomorrow when I am of sound mind.

And the key to the sound mind, is

When you do the good thing for yourself, tell yourself you deserve it.  Sit in it.  Say how proud of yourself you are for not indulging in the food you fight, or friends who have beers.  Be so proud of yourself for getting to the gym or going on the walk.  Be incredibly thankful for the ability to say no, or yes, and how you are learning to love yourself.  Be proud you didn’t indulge in self sabotage.  Be yourself around everyone, do not try to impress, but be impressive by being yourself.

Hope this makes sense.  Be blessed

 

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33

Not only is it A number, but one more year to be alive.

here are the top 33 things I have learned being alive so far:

1: Know what you want to order by the time you get to the counter of the place your at

2: Do not block the aisle.  Know where you are in the world and how your stopping in the middle will inevitably screw someones day.

3: Have a firm handshake.  No one likes a human who can’t shake hands.

4: Have great best friends.  You’ll know the type if your willing to get tattoos together, thats the type.

5: Find a hobby: Writing, singing, baking, skiing, golf, hockey, crocheting, making candles, finding poems, larping, …  something, do something that takes your mind off the world.

6: Do not litter

7: Enjoy the little things in life.  A good smell, a sunset, a cool animal, beer, a belly laugh, enjoy it, sit in it, and don’t take them for granted.

8: Speak kindly to yourself.  You deserve to be nice to yourself.  You do.

9: Make your bed.  Accomplish at least one thing in a day, and if all you can do is make your bed, that is enough!

10: Let people know they have shi#t on their face or shirt.  This one is for me, please tell me if I have something on my face or shirt or pants.  I can’t see my face, so please just let me know.  Thanks

11: Give your stuff away.  This is more tough than you know, but give your things away.  When someone asks, or not.  Give your money, your time, your things, do it, it is worth it.

12: Read.  Read all types of books.  Not just the books you already agree with.  Read the opposite take.  Read the book that scares you or you think might shake you up a bit.

13: Be friends with people who are not like you.  Those folks you instantly don’t want to be around, befriend them.  You don’t have to spend a ton of time with them, but at least be cordial and try to enjoy them.  It’s what Jesus did.

14: Take time for yourself.  Learn to “Treat Yo Self”.  I learned this too late in life.  Still to this day, treating myself is the hardest thing in life.  It’s ridden with guilt and shame.

15: Enjoy the journey.  Life is not about the destination, but it is all about the journey.  Plus, you will never arrive.  You wont, its impossible.  We are all constantly growing and learning and moving.  So enjoy the process.  In the process is where truth is.

16: Be an ok driver.  I would say good, but that might be too high a bar for some.  Learn how to turn on a red, go when it’s green, drive fast in the fast lane or get out, and to drive at least the GD Speed limit.

17: Talk to the elderly.  Even if it is just your grandparents.  They have wisdom and are great people.  It will take time, but they are worth the stories they have.

18: Eat ice cream. And cookies

19: Know your facts.  Don’t simply take people at their words.  Ask for sources, or facts from which they speak.  Most people don’t know where they get the info they are using, me included.

20: Hold the door for people.  It’s simple, and means a lot.

21: Be silly.  Don’t grow up for growing ups sake.  Laugh at dumb things, make stupid jokes, wrestle someone who looks like they need to be wrestled.  It will be worth it.  The dumb bench that you walk by with friends, ya that one, do a stupid par core trick on it, trust me.

22: Compliment people.  It will take you farther than you know.  Thanks Dale Carnegie.

23: Learn to listen.  Learn about listening.  Study good listeners, and emulate.  Ask follow up questions.  DO NOT LISTEN JUST TO SAY YOUR POINT.  Listen to actually care about what someone is saying.  Don’t ask questions you don’t care about the answer, but you want to say your opinion.  That’s called being an a$$.

24: Go out of the country.

25: Write thank you cards.  I’m serious.

26: Spoil someone.  It’s the best.  For no reason, just do it.

27: Go play.  Invite someone over with no agenda and simply play.  Try it, its hard.

28: Tell people how you feel.  If you love them or not.  If you are mad at them or not.  Be vulnerable.  It is always worth it.  Even if  you do not know how they will respond.  It isn’t for them, it is for you and your peace of mind.  You will be amazed at how much your inner world will quiet down by simply saying how you feel.

29: Cry.  It’s ok to cry.  I cried two times this year.  It felt good.

30: Get rid of social media.  You will have a greater self worth, more control of your emotions and anxieties.  You will not judge your life and what you do for a living.  You will enjoy a hike without wanting the perfect pic.  You will take pictures with meaning and not simply to post somewhere.  I shouldn’t have to make a case for this one, but do it.  I have the most freedom I’ve had in years, and I only go on facebook on Tuesdays.  That’s it.

31: Engage conflict.  Go and do this, learn about its place in life.  Don’t worry about offending someone, they need you to love them by confronting them.

32: Stop dualism.  Not everything is black and white, yes or no, in or out, up or down, good or bad.  Some things just are.  You can’t place a value or reason on everything, so enjoy it.  Enjoy the journey because everything belongs.

33: (This is what I hope to learn in this new year of  life) I am worthy of love and respect.  I wish I could tell you I have this down, but I don’t.  Brene Brown says the most whole hearted people believe they are worthy of love and respect.  So, I want to be a whole hearted person, so I want to learn how I am worthy.  I think it’s different than love.  I believe Love is an action, and worthiness is a belief.  So, good luck 33, worthy of love and respect is going to be a hard journey.

 

Hope you can relate to some of these!

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It all belongs

“It feels like I’m drowning”

“I can’t see how it is going to get better”

“When are these feelings going to end?”

For myself and all my  friends who have ever felt like they don’t do enough, maybe drowning, or simply don’t know how it’s all going to work out.  (You know who you are).

 

You are enough simply breathing.

 

We live in a fast world, with fast cars, and fast amazon shipping, but I believe you control the speed.  Our culture is steeped in going, doing, success, family, and production.  I can’t tell you how often I feel like a failure, or how I don’t do enough.  Maybe the term you use is drowning.  Maybe you feel anxiously overwhelmed.  All of these emotions are warranted and they belong in this world.  Let me say that again, all of those emotions have a place and they belong in  this world (Unlike cats).  They have a place.  I believe they belong in the category of warning signs.  These feelings are great thermometer to how you may need to take a step back, rest, and take a quick pause.  Remember what is important in your world.  Are you breathing?  Are you alive?  Did you eat your last meal?  Can you sleep under a roof tonight?

 

What would happen if you stopped?  What would happen if you took a day to rest?  What would your life be like if you didn’t answer your phone for a day?  One day?

 

If you’re like me, you day dream of a new job.  A job in which you can shut off when you clock out.  A job that requires little to know stress or personal touch. A job you don’t think about a thousand times a second.   A job that closely resembles the United States Postal Service…  My dream in life is to own a crisp beautiful brown UPS outfit.
But that isn’t me.

 

I grew up in a single parent house hold, and my parents never taught me to simply be.  I was always enrolled in sports, extra sports on top of the sports, and boy scouts.  I had something to go to every night of the week.  I was not taught how to rest.  I’m not sure many of us were taught that.  There is little to no value on rest, and you can see it online.

 

Have you ever asked someone about their vacation?  It usually goes like this.

“Man your trip to Hawaii looked great!” (Cuz we already saw the pics posted)

“Ya, well me and Cynthia saved our sick days for two years, we had a groupon and our boss made us take the time off” …  We justify our rest.  We make excuses for taking a break and loving ourselves.  Its scary how we do this in almost every aspect of our lives.  If we own anything nice, we justify it.  “Well I got it at the REI garage sale for 20$”…  I like your jacket you don’t need to defend it!

 

In elementary school you are asked, “What do you want to do when you grow up?”

In Jr. High you are asked what sports are you going to do.

In high school you are asked what college you are going to, and what major are you going to do?

In college your asked what are you going to do with your life.

And then in life you’re asked…. What do you do?

 

(Pause, literally writing this a UPS man walked through my Starbuck’s doors wearing the COOLEST brown jacket… what the heck).  (un pause).

 

If you were to say human, it wouldn’t go over well.

“What do you do?” asked Jeremy.

“Oh me, I human” said Trevor with an inquisitive look upon my face.

 

This isn’t to say we all need to sit around watching Netflix and binge watch all of Game of Thrones in one afternoon…. Who would do that…  But it does mean this.

 

When you are alone, laying in your bed, who are you?  In your core, the inner most being of who you are, who are you?  Are you a man, a woman, or simply just a human trying to figure it all out.  Deep in your gut, who are you?

 

You are loved.  You are liked.  And you are not your mistakes, failures, unread emails, unopened mail, unpaid bills, likes or lack of likes, and so much more.  There is a deep spirit in the universe that will reveal to you the truth.  It takes time to stop and listen.  You and I are.  We just are.

 

I tell myself these Mantras almost every hour of the day.

 

Take a deep breath, hold it in, let it out, and repeat.
“You are enough”

“You have what it takes”

“You are learning and growing”

“You are enough”, and breath.

 

We came in this world with a breath, and with a breath we shall leave.  You and I are humans and this world will continue without you, and it is better with you.  There is no amount of work that will make me think you are better or worse.  There are no deadlines that make you good or bad.  Let’s do our part and realize the depth of our humanity.

 

(Seriously the guy in the UPS jacket is simply rubbing it in at this point) … (I definitely would be a better human if I owned his outfit).

 

Be Blessed

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Practice Vulnerability: Home

Can’t believe I am going to share this

It might be the most vulnerable thing I’ve written

So,

Here it goes…

 

I struggle to love myself, and even like myself.  I started going to therapy a few years ago and I have to tell you about one of my sessions.  It was profound, and I forgot about it until last night.

 

I was at a concert last night where Josh Garrels spoke about a song he wrote where he had a coming home moment.  Where he felt God telling him to come home.  And then my memory was jostled.

 

I was sitting on my therapist’s couch playing with the nervous play sand he has for children when he asked me if I wanted to do an experiment.  So, like anyone in a therapy session I said sure.  I put the play sand down and sat up to listen.  (this is where I will urge you to do two things, one, don’t judge me, two, try this)

 

This is what my therapist started to say, and I started to do…

 

Sit in a comfortable position with your feet flat on the ground and your hands folded in your lap.  Now take some time to center your breathing and concentrate on your mind.  Try removing all thoughts and all speech floating around in your head.  Let the words pass by into a different direction, and be still.  Now, take a deep breath, hold it, and exhale slow.

 

Trevor I want you to go into your childhood home.  Walk up the drive way and into the front door.  What does it look like, what time of year is it, and notice how you feel.  Now your parents are in the kitchen and you can hear them cleaning the dishes, but I want you to walk towards your childhood bedroom.  Notice the pictures on the wall, the smell in the air, and walk slowly, but listen, look around, and feel what you are feeling.  Look at your childhood door, and open it slowly.  Walk in, look around.  Look at what’s lying on the ground, on your desk, around your bed, and I want you to sit on the edge of your bed.  Sit for a second, take it in, look at the art on the wall, and the pictures hanging.  Now Trevor I want you to picture your five-year-old self coming into the room.  He is going to walk up to you slowly, but notice how your five-year-old self looks at you.  What do you feel?  What is He thinking?  What does he want to say to you?  How do you feel?  Sit in this for a while.  Be here.  Listen.  Come Home.

 

And then I woke up.

 

I struggle with loving myself or even liking myself.  Which makes me do dumb things.  It makes me question everything I have ever done.  I am extremely hard on myself.  (We all are) (But I’m terrible to myself) I question my motives, I oversell the qualities I think I have that are good, and I overcompensate for qualities I wish I had.  But most days I don’t like me.

 

As I sat on the edge of my childhood bed my five-year-old me spoke.  He told me how cool he thought I was.  He was amazed at what I was doing with my life.  He thought I was a good dude, and he simply wanted to be with me.  My five-year-old me simply just wanted to be around me.  For no reason.  He didn’t have any concept of success or accomplishments, and he was a child.  He still thought the ninja turtles were real…  But this exercise was incredibly life changing.

 

All the ways I criticize myself, compare myself to, or am judgmental towards have little to no truth in them.  I AM doing good.  I AM ok.  Life is going to work out, and things are going to be fine.  Life happens, pain and struggle are real, but in the end of it all I need to remember who I am.  I am a human trying to figure it out.  I am learning, and I am growing.  I don’t have all the answers and never will, BUT life is good.

 

Maybe this can help you in some way.  I share this so you can see.  Maybe this is an exercise you can try or maybe you can simply see my humanity.  I am a human.  I don’t do things right all the time.  I mess shi%t up, and fail a lot.  But, We are all on a journey we are all in a season, and maybe we all need a little more BUT in our lives.

 

Yes, we mess things up, BUT

Yes, we failed or are failing, BUT

Yes, the friendship is ruined, BUT

Yes, you can’t pay that bill this month, BUT

 

You are learning, you are growing, and you don’t have to have it all figured out.

We are all trying, there is good in this day for us all.  And, we are going to get through it.

 

Come home.

 

 

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Church Space

I went to church.  I did, me, Trevor, I went to church and… I liked it.  Not saying I haven’t been going to church, but I will say it has been a while sense I liked it.  But I also want to disclaim how it has nothing to do with church and everything to do with me.

 

I’ve read a lot of articles on how to keep millennials in the church. (Who by the way I am apparently…) (Never wanted to die more in my life than when I found out I was a millennial) I have read a lot of articles on why you should leave the church.  I have listened to a lot of pod casts saying how the church is dead, and I have listened to a bunch on how vibrant and alive it is.  And so, you too probably.

 

My question during the sermon was exactly the reason why I love church.  It happens in club talks, it happens in sermons, it happens in a movie, it happens when someone is speaking, but you can’t predict it.  Something triggers your brain, and you get a thought.  You get an idea, you get an inkling, or a gesture to something you could have never have had if you hadn’t been at church/club/movie/conference.

 

But, Church creates space.  It is what it has always done and will always continue to do.  My pastor friends and anyone who speaks in public will be able to tell you what I am about to tell you.  We are people who are able to give you and create in you some space for ideas to come, epiphanies to happens, and places to be opened up.  I could write a book on how many people come up to me after I speak and tell me something about my talk in which I never actually said.  Somehow they gleaned something from my talk, but then repeated back to me something that never came from my mouth…  its somewhat crazy, and awesome.

 

The other day this thing happened to me.  This pastor kept talking about God’s presence.  How if we could be in God’s presence we would never want to leave.

and so my mind began to race…

God’s presence, as if it is a place you can go.  A magical world in which exists no crying, no worries, no stress, no anxiety, no hurt, no pain, and God.  Maybe you get there by reading more and more of the bible.  Maybe this place exists only at church.  Maybe it is not a place?  Maybe it is a person?  Maybe, The infinite, unfathomable, the indescribable, the one in which no one could ever grasp will be in front of you.  And my brain started circling, aching, and filling with wonder.  What does it mean to be in God’s presence?  Can you be?  Is that a thing?  Why is this guy not saying what it is?  He only said what you get from being in God’s presence but not actually telling us how to get there, or where it is, or how you can stay for a while…  and so, I still don’t know, but this is what I came up with.  With the space he created in me at church I started thinking about this quote.

 

“We’re already in the presence of God, what’s absent is awareness”-Rohr.  And it all made sense.  We are all created beings, in the midst and on the planet in which the creator decided to show us all of its Glory.  We walk by image bearers all day long.  We have conversations with spiritual beings having human experiences, and every emotion, pain, love, joy, hurt, anxiety, and stress all have a place.  What if we became more aware?  More aware of God.  More aware of his presence surrounding us and in us.  What if we were more tuned in and in constant awe of this life we get to live.  Even the pain, the joy, the struggles, are all a part of this presence of life we live and move and have our being.

I just received an email that made me really mad, then angry, and then fearful.  So proof reading this post made me sit for a second and be thankful for all those negative emotions because they have a place.  And now I am feeling at peace with the email I received.  And I am grateful I will be able to watch how God shows up in this really trying time.

But, I wouldn’t have had that question if I hadn’t gone to church and my mind race off into the space the pastor had provided.  Can we be more aware of God today?  Can we be more mindful of God’s presence all over the place, and deep within us all?

Maybe we can try.

 

 

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Confessions of an Addict

I have a confession

A real confession

It was also an obsession

But now it might be gone

 

I’m sorry some of that rhymed…

I like to eat grapes before they are washed…. jk, but kinda…

About a month ago I did something irreversible.  I stopped going on social media but once a week.  I deleted my Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook from my phone a long time ago, but I found myself still going on Facebook a lot.  A Lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  I did a hard delete of twitter and insta about two years ago.  I found myself going to safari on my phone and heading straight to Facebook.  So technically I don’t have the app, but I still used it.  Like a junky, I found a way.  I found a way to be able to say in a crowd I deleted it all while still using heavily.

 

My reasons for the hard delete, and the removal from my phone was normal and you see it all the time.  “taking a social media fast”, “leaving social media for a while…”, and you probably have a friend do it once a month, but they return.  Like all good addicts.  Like all good dogs.  We return to our vomit.

 

But, four weeks ago I gave up Facebook too, but I allow myself Tuesdays.  I go on Facebook on Tuesdays.  Good boy.  Good job.  Well done good and faithful servant.  But truly I want to tell you what I have found.

 

Number 1:  I don’t need it.  (Nuff said)

 

Number 2:  I no longer have any good excuses for it.  With the invention of cell phones and email, I don’t actually need it.  Those other inventions like text messaging, and emails work beautifully.  Even work related doesn’t make sense anymore.  My emails, texts and phone calls can suffice.

 

Number 3:  The grass is no longer greener.  Hear me correctly, I still judge my life based on watching other people, but it is a lot lot less.  So much less.  It only happens when I am out about town, and I see things I want.  It is normal, and by not being on social media all the time I enjoy what I have, and I enjoy them a lot.

 

Number 4:  People have become more interesting.  My conversations are interesting and I find out what other people are doing by conversing in day to day conversation.  And they get my real reactions because I wasn’t privy to it prior to seeing them.  I actually was able to give my friends an honest reaction because I didn’t know prior.  It’s wonderful to be able to express an emotion in real time, and real space.

 

I can go on and on and on, but I am not trying to convince you, or even convince myself as most of my blogs are.  I just want to confess.  I feel more free.  I feel free to write, I feel free to be a human, and I feel untethered.  I don’t feel the need to check my phone when I am waiting in line.  I don’t wonder about who has liked my shi%t.  I never have anxiety over what picture to post, or when to post, or is it good enough (Caption this…Help).  There are no worries about my politics or other people are their politics.  It has been a season of freedom, and…

the reason I am writing this is because it is Tuesday

And today I went back on

I sat on my couch, and thirty minutes went by, then, an hour…

 

I saw different ways to bake eggs in a bacon muffin.  New ways to fold your clothes.  New gifs, and memes.  I saw friend’s pictures of their unbelievable life.  I saw politics, and posts about babies.  I saw animals, fake news, real news, and nothing.  It was all nothing, and I started to think about how I was filling my Tuesday with literal nothingness.  It didn’t matter, and so I shut it off and opened my computer.  And this came out.  So, I confess I did nothing on Facebook for about an hour today and I don’t feel better about my life, I don’t feel worse, it just was.  I might even hard delete it.

 

But like a good addict, I keep it, cuz I might return…. One day.  Never know!

 

Why do we need social media?

Please let me know

 

 

Be blessed

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Fear Loneliness

It’s hard to believe it is good

It’s the only thing in the bible that is NOT good

It feels terrible

There is no real healing other than another person

No amount of distraction can cure it

No amount of healthy thinking can make it better

It just is, lonely, and it is NOT good

 

I have one friend who is in the same boat as me when it comes to being lonely.  We share the same feelings, the same reactions, and the same symptoms.  When we talk about it we share the same mind.  There are better days than others, and there are worse days than most.  But we both agree how we will one day look back on these days with fondness and laugh.

 

That is my hope.

 

For one day we will have hindsight and it will be glorious.  But until then it will still suck.  Hard.  Usually my first day of loneliness is good.  My body unwinds, or begins to heal itself from the business.  I am a people person and I need people to fuel me.  I get depressed and empty if I am with myself for too long.  I love making people laugh.  I love fun and adventure.  I truly believe life is meant to be shared, and so loneliness is my arch nemeses.  I’m alone right now typing this, and I can’t wait for in a few moments when I am with humans.

But this is what I have learned about loneliness.

 

Loneliness is NOT good, but it can be an amazing teacher.  In my efforts to not be lonely I have found meditation.  I have had the amazing chance to practice stillness, and learn how to meditate.  I’m still not sure if I do it properly, but it helps calm my mind.

 

Loneliness has shown me who my truest friends are.  These are the people who are not afraid to enter into my loneliness.  They come out and “play”.  Remember “play”?  When was the last time we just went over to someone’s house to “play” …? Never, but it is what we used to do when we were lonely or when our parents were sick of us.  So, I have a few friends who like to come out and play.  And it can easily get me out of my loneliness.  But I had to learn how to ask for people to come over.  It has taken great bouts of loneliness to get my head out of my a$$ and ask someone to come over.

 

Loneliness has taught me what I like.  Before my deep depression, years 2009-2011, I let other people dictate what I enjoyed.  I had no clue what I actually liked.  I just did what all my friends were doing.  I didn’t truly like some of the things we did.  I didn’t enjoy video games, or staying inside all day while we all watched movies.  During my deep darkness I had to make myself go do things alone.  I drove to destinations alone.  I ate meals alone.  I hiked alone.  I went camping alone, and I found out what I truly loved to do.  And now I take people with me in that love.  If they don’t like it I still do it.  That is the true test of how much you love something.  Will you do it alone, and will you still enjoy it if no one comes with you?

 

The last and greatest gift loneliness has given me is myself.  I have been on a journey of loving myself, and even liking myself.  I have had to be in a room with myself, or out in nature with no one else but me, and I have learned to like me.  I have learned to and am still learning to love myself.  Do things for myself.  And simply just enjoy myself.  I find myself being nice to me.  My inner dialogue is becoming quite fond of me, and not in an narcissistic way, but in a polite and non-judgmental way.  I found out how I was nasty and evil towards my inner being.  I had no grace for my actions or my thoughts.  But over time I have learned how to be nice.  I have inner mantras that I say over and over again.  “you are learning”, “You are great”, “it won’t be like this forever”.  And when Jesus talks about loving your neighbor as you love yourself I finally understand.  I no longer feel like a hypocrite when telling someone Jesus loves them and is fond of them.  Because I am learning to love myself and learning to be fond of myself.  Even in my worst, even in my most lonely places I am becoming who I have always wanted to be.  Loved.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my hard days, but we are all learning.  And sometimes re-learning.  So, can we be more in love with ourselves?  Nicer to ourselves?  Give our self more grace, and love?  Can we embrace loneliness not as an evil monster, but something to teach us who we are, what we like, and who we should surround ourselves with?  I want to try, maybe you can come out and “Play” sometime.

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