Learning to Win


I’m a terrible coach

I will probably always be a terrible coach. 

I am not motivated by people yelling at me.  I don’t want to win if you scream about all the things I do wrong.  I usually do not like barking dogs, and I really do not like barking humans.  Not sure if I am stubborn, but we can chalk it up to that. 

This is the way people have changed my life:

Coming alongside and asking challenging questions.  Walking with me through my struggles.  When they are vulnerable and authentic.  When people I respect and care about take time for me I feel important.  When people pay for food or groceries and without my prompting or merit.  Lifting up areas I never knew I was good at, and encouraging me to continue.  Listening more than talking. 

This is how people do more harm than good: 

Talking at me not with me.  Telling me how to live my life.  Making sure I know they are right.  Making sure I know I am wrong.  When someone hides real emotions and puts on a face.  Talking more than listening and never asking questions.  Making sure you know how much time you have been taking and how important their time is to them. 

But I think this is why I am a poor coach. 

I had the privilege to coach the sophomore class to a victory yesterday in powder puff.  Coaching girls to play football is an underestimated feat.  It is always more fun then I realize.  Each girl comes with their own knowledge of football, or not.  So, we start at zero with some, and continue from last year with others.  We figure out who can throw, run, catch, and understand the basics of the game.  Then my poor coaching comes into play.   I would like the girls to learn, adapt and play for themselves.  I try to get the quarterbacks to come up with some plays.  I want the lineman…woman to figure out who to block.  Then, when it either works and we celebrate, or it fails and I ask questions.  What happened?  What can we do better?  Why is the defense breaking through?  Should we double cover number eleven?  (cuz she was a beast)  But I coach how I would have liked to have been coached. 

I have never been called competitive.  Winning has never made me grow.  But last night felt good.  We lost as freshmen, we learned as freshmen, and we won as sophomores.  The girls came back stronger, determined, and ready to fight.  I was proud of how they had grown, how they had learned, and how they wanted to play.  And so I coached a team who was willing, they learned, and they are the ones who got the win! 

I am a terrible coach.  I would rather come alongside, ask good questions, and have them learn and adjust.  So, I like being a bad coach.  I will always error on the side of fun and understanding than striving for a win. 

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Growing Pains… me


I have thought about growing

Maybe a plant

Maybe my spirit

I don’t know how to do either, they just seem to happen. 

(Not the plant part.) 

If I were to force you to grow spiritually I am sure you wouldn’t know how.  Maybe you would start by reading the bible, a book, or maybe asking questions.  But right now I feel stuck.  Not that I am not growing, I just have a hard time seeing my growth.  I haven’t had a big vision, crisis, or deep emotion in a while.

I feel like I have been on autopilot. 

I hate being late.  Hate is a strong word, and it is fitting when I talk about lateness.  I am allergic to being late.  I get this weird fever, high heart rate, and I start to panic.  A weird part of me also hates being early.  No one likes being the first person to show up to anything.  I don’t know where I got this hatred towards tardiness.  I just can’t do it.  It is physically impossible for me to be late. 

I have a great job were I get to do a ton of cool things.  But a lot of it is and can be auto piloted.  In fact, a lot of the time I have a strange feeling in my stomach.  It feels like anxiety, or fear.  Almost the same feeling I would get when I was late to school.  So if this feeling is like being late… I hate it.  The only way to describe my feeling is in the moment.  When I am doing a task, or at work I feel as though I should be doing more.  I feel like I can always do more.  Be more.  Give more.  The feeling could be prescribed as guilt possibly. 

There is one objective in my life currently, and I am not sure what is stopping me.  I have only met three people whom I will try to explain what I want to be like.  They are the type of people you meet and you feel like the only person in the room.  When you are with these people you feel as though you are the most important person in their life.  They hang on every word.  They look you in the eye and behind it you find peace, empathy and strength.  You walk away from these people feeling lighter than air, at peace, and as if you have been in the presence of the Lord. 

I don’t know what it is going to take to grow.  I don’t know when it is going to start, or when I will recognize my growth.  I have always felt behind the ball with spirituality.  I didn’t grow up in the “church”.  I didn’t start following Jesus until my eighteenth year of life.  It amazes me when people tell me they grew up in the “church”, and have always had a relationship with Jesus.  I don’t know how that’s possible.  And maybe that is why I feel behind the ball or how I need to play catchup. 

The only key concept I keep coming to is my mind.  We are told to take every thought captive.  To love the lord with all our… Mind.  To be self controlled.  And with all these commands, I don’t do them.  So I am going to force myself to do these things.  Maybe taking every thought captive, loving the Lord with all my MIND, and being self controlled will allow me to grow.  Maybe being pure in heart I will see the Lord.  Maybe controlling my thoughts will allow me to be present in peoples lives.  Maybe by loving the Lord with all my mind it will put peace behind my eyes.  Maybe by obediently controlling myself will I be like Christ. 

I don’t know if this is the “way”, but it is a start. 

The time is at hand, and I don’t want to be late. 

Plus I am ready to grow

Maybe a plant will help

It’s worth a shot

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Don’t play it safe


I’ve been afraid lately

Afraid to write

Afraid to look you in the eyes

Afraid to come clean

There is not much to say about fear other than it sucks

I have almost done a lot of things.  I have almost moved to a new town.  I have almost quit my job. I have almost ran a marathon.  I have almost had a significant other.  But…

I stay safe



                                                and I sit on my futon. 

We walked down the road to get something to eat.  We were both starving and had only maintained a diet of hot dogs and beer for the last ten hours.  Walking to the restaurant I could feel my inner dialogue changing my outward appearance.  This was going to be a hard dinner conversation.  My Dad and I had just finished pacing the final pairings at the US open championship in San Francisco.  My relationship with my Dad had been growing distant and almost non existent.  With every step I knew I had to say something.  I knew I had to ask for forgiveness.  There was a fight going on with every knee bend.  I was fighting the urge to not say anything and keep living life as I have been but I had to say something.  I was starving but my thoughts were keeping me from eating.  I had one more beer, a few bites of Caesar salad, and began to vomit all my feelings on the table.  (Not real vomit). 

And then there was silence

The number one command in the bible (Greek for book) is….  “Do not be afraid”.  And yet all we do, and most of what we have created is safety and comfort.  Every time someone mentions “Do not fear”, shalom returns. 

We create environments in which to encounter God, safely.  We create space for people to feel safe, at rest, and clean.  Our houses are full of food that goes bad, clothes we only use twice a year, and objects to take our minds off reality.  For what?  Why do we do this?  We feel more comfortable talking about someone rather than to someone.  We would rather spend enormous amount of time saying our belief, or our way we understand Jesus than being Jesus to people. 

I asked my Father for forgiveness.  For being a bad son.  For not making time to talk to him, reach out, or care.  Those were the words I used.  They were real tears I held back (because men don’t cry). 

My Dad began to do the same. 

You will always remember the times you defeat fear.  You will always regret the fear you wish you conquered.  High risk means high reward, and my relationship with my father is still mending, but words were spoken to start the healing process. 

As you grow in your intimacy and understanding of Jesus you realize His power only works in your weakness.  Jesus can’t stand know it alls.  Jesus doesn’t like the humble braggers.  Jesus knows our hearts fear and is waiting for us to step out and face them. 

What keeps you captive?  What do you want to do or say with which you are holding back? How can you conquer fear today? 

Go in hopes for a return to Shalom through the defeat of fear in knowledge that Jesus is waiting in the midst of it all!

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Don’t not do


“I shouldn’t have done that…”, I think to myself daily.

“I shouldn’t have said that….”, I realize after the words are out of my mouth. 

I don’t know where I got this disease.  It starts in my stomach and works its way up to my impatient brain.  From my brain it works its way into my fingers and or out through my mouth.  It mainly happens when I believe it to be a nudge from the Lord, or I believe it will make people laugh. 

There is a camp in the hills of Ramona California called Oakbridge.  This camp sits on a mountain side I like to call God’s rock garden.  These hills stretch for miles, and on the side of the mountains are giant boulders.  Huge white, yellow, spotted boulders.  Some are smooth, some are jagged, some spray painted, and some hillsides don’t have any boulders on them at all.  It is as if God placed each one by hand.  It is incredible, and if you get a chance, stop and have a picnic on top of one of these bad boys.  You can stare into the smog filled valley of southern california for miles on miles. 

  I had one of these bright ideas in the middle of waving campers goodbye at Oakbridge.  In the middle of the bus turnaround there are these large trees.  They hold in there branches these pods of seeds.  If you take the pods and twist them in your hand they fall apart and make confetti.  It is pretty cool.   As a kid I would make mounds of tree confetti and have mini Trevor celebrations.  I held a bunch of confetti pods in my hand and began to twist them all around.  In my hand laid millions of little confetti pieces.  To my back was one of my work crew kids.  I had a stomach filled thought that I should throw the hand full of confetti in this kids face.  It was going to be brilliant.  Everyone was going to laugh.  We would all then get into a giant confetti fight.  I was going to be a genius. 

Through all my bad ideas, hard consequences, or messed up theology, life happens.  I do not regret much, and the things I do regret are things I wished I had done.  When you feel a nudge or an inclination towards someone, or a need for a conversation, do it.  The longer you hold back, or refrain from action the more anxiety, and pent up frustration will occur.  Over thinking your gut will help in quenching the Spirit. 

I am sure if Jesus debated His Father nothing would have happened.  Could you imagine if the Lord told you to spit in the dirt, make a paste, and rub it in that blind guys eyes?  No way God.  People are going to think you’re crazy.  It isn’t going to work, if anything it is going to make it worse….  But Jesus wasn’t concerned about what anyone else thought.  Jesus wasn’t concerned about if this guy was a believer, or non believer.  Jesus wasn’t making sure how he can profit from this, and in fact there are times he tells people not to mention who healed them. 

I think about the countless healings, conversations, and miracles which were never written down or talked about.  I would love to know how many people felt the love of the Lord with an intimacy only they knew.  Not everything is to be a teachable moment, or an example for others to glean from. 

What I’ve learned lately is to just go and do.  The more you think about it the more you will not.  Be reckless, give generously, think less of yourself, and it may fail but you won’t regret it.  You will think about how maybe you shouldn’t have given away your last thirty dollars in your bank account, but I promise you will not go hungry. 

Maybe the kid almost went blind from my tree confetti party.  Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown it as hard as I could in his face.  Maybe I have also learned from doing it.  Now there is a story, we laugh about it, but I would have regretted not doing it more!  Don’t ignore the Spirit’s nudge.  Even if it contradicts every American capitalist notion in your body. 

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Hear Me


Hearing from humans can be difficult.  We hear, I hear things, in different ways.  I have a mind, and in my mind I have barriers.  When you speak words to me they go through these barriers.  They become distorted, wrinkled, stretched, and jumbled.   When people tell me things I can’t hear them clearly.  My barriers are in the way.  

I feel as though I see the world through a fog laden labyrinth filled with truth and lies.  

You say words to me, they travel from your lips to my ears, through, around, and in a maze filled with…




Selfish desires 

Longing to be longed for


And Trust (or lack thereof) 

This is how I listen.  Not only is this how I listen to people, but it is God as well.  I have a hard time living in reality, or clarity.  It is hard to hear.  

My preoccupation’s with my barriers do not allow me to be present.  I stay rooted in those barriers.  But today I read something in the bible.  Maybe it can help.  I am not sure why it helped me today, but it did.  

Jesus was just finishing a talk with a woman at a well when His disciples came back.  They were amazed Jesus was talking to a woman.  I like to picture the well in the middle of town like the scene from Beauty and The Beast.  The town centers around the well, but the area is more like a desert, dusty and hot.    Jesus has a great conversation with the woman, but the disciples are not interested.  They ask if Jesus is hungry, and His response was weird.  He says he is not hungry, but was full.  His food is from Heaven.  Heavenly food which gives fullness, abundance, and graciously to others.  Something filled Jesus’ belly, and filled it to the max.  Tangibly, spiritually, emotionally, but different.  I want to know what heavenly food tastes like.  Is it an actual full feeling?  There is nothing better than a satisfying meal which fills your stomach and warms your bones.  There is no greater peace, love, and joy than reclining after a meal satisfied and content.  

Most of my anxiety comes from unsaid or un had conversations.  It makes my stomach hurt, it affects my sleep, and keeps me panicked.  My head reaches the clouds and I cannot come down.  I do not know why I get stuck, and I also do not know why I keep conversations to myself.  They are usually filled with fruit and it feels good when they leave my head.  

I was told by a friend how she wished I could have had a conversation with her sooner.  I agree.  But I was not listening.  I wasn’t listening to God, I wasn’t listening to people, and I was stuck in the fog.  I do not know how to listen more quickly, or respond to Jesus in a relatively fast manor.  But I wan’t to get better.  I want more heavenly food to fill me rather than anxiety.  I want to be content in Jesus and who Jesus says I am.  No matter the conversations or the situations.  

I am praying for my blind spots to be brought to light.  I am praying to be truthful and honest the moment I know or hear from God.  I know it will hurt, but it will allow me to be more faithful, and less hungry for worldly food.  

May we start to hear and see life through a clear, barrier less, satisfied, and content Spirit.   

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Do not compromise who you are


I do not want to settle. 

I wear my emotions on my face, not my sleeves.  One of my least favorite emotions happens to be anxiety.  It feels like loosing your wallet.  All of who you are seems to be inside a small accouchement.  It has places for plastic, paper, I.D’s, and coupons.  I check for my wallet every time I stand up.  All men do this, it’s called the triple check.  Wallet, Phone, Keys.  I start with my left pocket, then my right, and finish with a swift right cheek grab.  When you loose your wallet you seem to loose your mind.  Your heart sinks into your stomach.  It takes over your whole body.  You swear you just had it, you can’t remember what you last did, or where you last were.  You call around, you retrace your steps, and forget about any plans you had.  We chase after the illusive lost wallet feeling helpless and alone.   



No hope. 

Drastic measures and fatal decisions happen. 

I hate watching people settle for less than adequate.  I hate watching people compromise who they are.  I can’t stand when selfishness and fleshly desires outweigh logic, truth, and goodness. (or good-for-me-ness)  

We all long to be longed for, we all desire to be desired, and we demand companionship.  All we want is someone to check in on us and make sure we’re not dead.  Maybe someone to ask how our day went.  It wouldn’t hurt to have someone to build lunches for, or foster dreams with, all while pushing to be the best they can be.  It is natural and God says it is bad for us to be alone.  

What we do with our loneliness is what defines us.  My teacher in high school had a note on her door that read, “You are what you do when no one is watching”.(almost creepy)  It stuck with me, and my alone time became defining.  We all have time alone when no one is watching, no ones around, and you know who you are by what you do in those times.  

Sometimes we don’t understand what is best for us.  As a kid I was sure candy was the best option for breakfast.  I demanded I could stay up as late as I want.  I was positive I didn’t need to brush my teeth twice a day, and what good did flossing do?  And I think it carries over into adulthood.  I am sure I am the same way, but now I’m older and the consequences are mine to endure.  I still have a hard time realizing what is best for me.

What are you settling for?  What are you compromising?  Are you doing what you love, or are you completing tasks for someone else?  Is it the right fit for you?  Is he or she the right fit for you, truly?  Could you be holding someone from moving on?  These are questions that define my head space.  

When I become anxious I do anything in my power to stop.  Like loosing my wallet I do drastic things.  I will try to take a nap, I will pray, I will worship, I will drive my car, (If I have gas), and all in the name of being less anxious.  But I wonder if it’s how I have compromised or stopped living out of who I truly am that brings those anxieties?  Maybe a proactive thought life is going to heal me?  Believing who I am in advance, or doing the things that bring me life before anxiety hits could be the answer.  I am not sure, but I am willing to try.  

Jesus asks us not to settle.  He has great gifts for us if we are willing.  How much more does our father love us.  He will not give us a snake as a gift or rocks rather than bread.  Jesus is good and he calls us to be proactive about who we are in him.

I will not settle 

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Who is enough

clouds 2013

Today I was hit by The Lord.  It took shape in the form of a small mexican woman.  I wasn’t ready for it, nor was I willing.  But when I took a second and realized what was happening, I enjoyed it.  I had feelings of shame, guilt, and unreservedness, but an overwhelming sense of awe. I am fearful how my sin may come to ruin me.  When I mess up and forget who I am, I do stupid things.  I say stupid things, and I think stupid thoughts.  It’s stupid.  And it effects me for a few days.  There are no ways to write which can make you understand.  The feeling I had this morning was more than pure.  I believe it was called conviction.  

I was driving home the other day and I saw a rare form a beauty.  The air was thin, and the sky looked like a water color portrait.  The blue from the top was the kind of blue you have to keep looking backwards to see.  Clouds formed around the area where the colors puzzled together.  The clouds were whisked around as if God were slowly stirring a hot cup of coffee.  From out of a tree an eagle paced my car.  It flew next to my car for a few miles.  It stayed right at my window.  It rose over power lines, streamed around cars, and like an arrow shot straight up and out of my sight.  I was left silent, stunned, and I was thankful I didn’t crash my car.  It paused the world.  My life stopped, I thought of all the worries I had and how they were just in my head.  I went back in time visiting all my favorite people.  All while watching this bird.  

There is no fear greater, no worry so special, and no amount of comparison that can take us away from reality.  We have a Father who cares deeply, so deep it hurts.  Grace has an ability to come in and take your breath away.  Even as you worry grace will abound.  As we sin, Grace will provide.  

Being hit by the Lord is humbling.  Pride diminishes when you realize you have not been living like a son or daughter.  It is becoming more and more difficult to write about Jesus of late.  Not out of lack of stories, or thoughts, but out of my own conviction.  I am not sure how much I am supposed to share.  Some of my intimate moments with Christ are supposed to be securely that.  Our moments are to be for us.  

I have withheld my tongue in hopes people will see Christ in me.  Should we tell people we are praying for them, or should they know it by our authenticity?  

I can’t tell you what the little mexican lady did for me, or how my friends loved me to tears, but I can tell you it was real.  We are drawn to Christ by his beautiful personhood, and convicted by His revealing Grace.  Are we Saints?  Are we?  There are moments I believe, and weeks when I do not.  I want to love with no agenda, give with no fear, and authentically live out of my Sainthood.  

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