Let’s Dance

kindlykhan__jail_background_by_kindiykhan-d5tqxtnThis whole week I thought it was a different day.  

Today I thought it was Friday (Not cool)

Yesterday I thought was Saturday (Even worse)

I am in a seminary class that has too many words in the title.  It is filled with masters level words, and I feel dumb reading most of them.  I am talking about the big words someone made up because there were no other words.  

Pneumatology….(sounds like an std)

Christological…(spell check doesn’t like that one)

Ecumenism…. (Sorry I just threw up)

It is hard to read and write right now when in California its 82’, sunny, slightly breezy, and  BEAUTIFUL.  But I am.  (Even though I’m writing this and not studying) 

When you meet Jesus it hurts.  Not a guilt filled hurt, but one which leads you to a comfort.  

It’s a little like learning a new dance.  You don’t feel cool or good at first, but it is fun.  

I excel, I mean I am a top notch professional procrastinator.  I have unbelievable skills in waiting, and “I’ll do it tomorrow”.  Probably the best.  In fourth grade I had a brief run in with trouble.  It was the scariest moment in my life.  My grades were poor, well… Failing.  I didn’t care.  Nothing my mom could say, nothing my sister did, nothing worked.  Daily my teacher said, “You have so much potential” (which is teacher for you suck now).  It could have been because my parents were in the middle of their divorce.  It could have been the moving houses constantly.  It could have been the lack of friends.  But the reality was I was the problem.  My mom pulled me out of school one day and showed me something.  She showed me the reality of where I was headed.  She drove silently (or as I remember this event) to a boys ranch.  She was crying, I was crying, and the drive seemed eternal.  She pulled into the boys ranch (aka juvenile hall) and said this is where I will end up.  She said there were no other options, this was it, if my grades didn’t pick up I would end up in Ju v. (street slang).  It was drastic, but it was what I needed.  My Mom speaks me.  I still remember the feeling.  It wasn’t a kick in the ass feeling, but a comfort knowing my Mom really cares for me.  Enough to send me to kid jail.  

I think when you meet Jesus for the first time it’s a lot like when He clears the temple.  The place where God lived, dwelled, and heaven touched earth Jesus wrecked.  He kicked over tables, threw money around, punched some chairs really hard, and made a bad A whip.  He drove everyone out.  The place was destroyed, and there Jesus sat, wept,  and for good reason.  People had been making God into something He wasn’t .  I think we make Jesus into things He isn’t all the time.  When you really meet the true Son of God it hurts.  He comes in and wrecks shop.  He does, not us.  He takes the places you thought were good and holy and tosses it all out until it’s just you and Him.  It is comforting, and beautiful.  We shouldn’t have to spend time making good people if we believe Jesus does this.  What would happen if we spent more time lifting up Jesus and not putting His people down?  Do we really trust Jesus to do His work in people?  I don’t believe we know how to talk about Jesus like this.  

The seminary class I am in is making it more real.  I feel like I am a kid again.  I feel like I have been procrastinating.  I read these theologians and giants of the faith and wonder how I can know Jesus like they do.  The words are big, but they are good.  Jesus is doing something in me.  I know it because it hurts.  It’s like having a little Jackie Chan in your insides.  The crazy part is how all these classes are making me do is look at Jesus.  Real, bold, hard, and good.  

No matter what day you think today is, may you be blessed by getting to know Jesus.  

Not the affects of Jesus, but the real Man God Jesus.  

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What’s your biggest sin???

I wish I could turn it off 

Flip a switch

And 

Stop

The hardest feeling I deal with on a daily basis is acceptance.  I want people to be a part of everything I do, all the time.  I don’t want to believe, but I think it is also tied with loneliness.  Every week I have to deal with it.  Forget every week, its every day.  I don’t like to do anything alone.  And when people say they can’t come, or be with me, I take it personally.  Sorry.  

I met a girl a few weeks ago and she taught me about her FOMO.  Or, fear of missing out.  I liked the term.  I accepted my own FOMO, and realized I have FOMOASE.  Fear of missing out of a shared experience.  

Last night, as I had my head on the pillow, almost asleep, I had an thought.  The idea was depressing but true.  It bounced around my head for another half hour.  (I almost went to bed at a decent time before the thought happened)  I figured out the hardest part of following Jesus.  

It’s not sin

It isn’t other people

It has nothing to do with this world

It’s simple, pure, and good

Do you remember what our parent’s taught us all as kids?  It helped a ton on the playground.  Finish this sentence… “Sticks and stones will break my bones but…”. 

I used to believe it with all my heart.  I was sure sticks and stones really would break my bones, but “I know you are, but what am I?”!  I have always been a smart ass, and will probably always be a smart ass.  


Somewhere between age 5-15 I lost this fundamental belief.  Words shouldn’t hurt you.  They shouldn’t, but they do.  Words can hurt a lot.  A LOT.  

It is the same teaching Jesus is still living.  This world has nothing and everything to do with us.  I don’t matter, and I matter.  The only way I matter is if I let Jesus give me my importance.  The only acceptance He wants me to have is the acceptance which has always existed.  Adoption.  

The hardest part of following Jesus is myself.  I get in the way.  My work, my apartment, my food, my car, my money, my time, my family, or my experiences all GET IN THE WAY.  Jesus says to not take offense when people persecute you, throw harsh words around, or stop showing up at your things on account of Me.  Take delight in who is right in front of you.  I just left a meeting where my friend kept checking his phone for the time.  As if our meeting wasn’t captivating, or important.  Which isn’t what he said, but it is what he lived out in front of me.  

Can I be less about my own life, and more about “doing the most” for others?  Can I spend more money on others than myself?  Will I stop taking credit?  Can I stop taking account of who comes to “My” meetings, or “My” events?  I am not saying not to try at getting people to things, or places, or events, but to not take it personally when it doesn’t turn up the way you thought.  

What would my life be like if I assumed I was accepted all the time by my heavenly father?  Where else in this life am I getting in the way?  Can I not allow words to hurt me? 

I wish I could turn off my FOMOASE 

Flip a switch and not care about being accepted

And believe in who I have always been

Stop acting as if I am not an adopted son of Jesus 

Trevor 

dee-113-sticks-and-stones

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I want you to agree with me

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Disclaimer: Please read my words knowing I am in a super cynical place.   It is like I am a disgruntled employee.

There have been two or three prayers I wish I had never prayed.  One of them is for God to humble me, and the other is for God to reveal himself in real ways.  These prayers have been answered but not in fun ways.  Humility is great in theory, but it sucks in reality.  When you pray to see Jesus in real ways, well, He does it.  And it sucks too.  

My current prayer is for Jesus to break my cynical attitude.  I am not looking forward to the answer.  It reminds me how I should keep praying for things I don’t believe God can do.  I want to pray the hard prayers, and the ones I don’t know the outcome.  

“Can I have this”

“Why?”

“I want it”

“Don’t you even love me?” 

I constantly asked my parents for the biggest toys, the largest legos, and the rated R movies!  I am a sucker for the best.  No one wants the single car lego set, you want the whole modern town with the skyscrapers, cop cars, ambulance, firetrucks, train crossings, and street crossings.  I was always jealous of my friends who had the automatic electric mini trucks, or cool race cars.  But my parents never let live outside of reality.  

I hardly wanted cool toys for myself.  I wanted them so my friends would think I was awesome. (which I am).  I am pretty sure this has translated over towards my spiritual life.  And by pretty sure I mean it has.  

Here is my cynicism: 

I’ve listened to three sermons now which have stated how you have to use words when preaching the gospel.  They have all said the Thomas Aquinas quote is wrong.  Which all three people have made me cringe when they said it.  The quote is, “Preach the gospel at all times, and if necessary use words”.  It’s beautiful.  I love this quote.  I use it daily.  I believe it with my whole heart, and I defend it.  Can I be humble enough to be wrong?  I am not a theological giant, or do I claim to be…out loud.  

Here’s “my” point:  Everyone is on a journey, I’m on mine, and you are on yours

We all need to take steps.  Some big, some small, some hard, some soft, but all are getting us to a point.  I am in a place where I do not believe you have to say any words at all to preach the gospel.  I will even go so far as to say when you are using words you are not trusting Jesus.  By using words you may even harm the gospel.  How much are you really preaching Jesus and Him only, and not your agenda or opinions in how to follow Him?  We don’t have faith that Jesus will teach people what we want them to learn.  So, we use words.  

How do you handle Jesus making sure some people didn’t understand His parables for a fear they might believe and follow (Luke 8:10).  How can Jesus let people walk away sad for they were rich and couldn’t sell everything to follow Him (Matt: 19:22)?  At one point Jesus says a controversial statement and over half of his (outside of the twelve) disciples leave(John 6:66)(Weird number). 

But this is my mind, and this is the way I think.  It may not be the way you think.  And I need to understand and be tolerant towards all, grace giving towards all, and humble towards my own theological bents.  

Can I believe Jesus has me where He wants me?  Can I be faithful to how Jesus got me to this point, and Jesus will bring others to where He wants them?  Will I stop trying to force my own agendas and opinions on others and let them make up their own minds?  Or will I continue to try and make sure people know how cool I am because of the way I think and understand God?  

You will like me more if I have cooler toys right? 

You will accept me wont you?

You will believe my theology by the words I say right? Or could it be the way I live?  

I want to buy you a big lego set, but first you have to start with the crapy little car.  

Pessimistic optimism

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It’s all wrong

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Kids never shut up.
My least favorite thing in life is whining.
It takes everything inside of me not to discipline other people’s children…

My Mom was some what of a bad ass growing up. Let’s say you didn’t want to be on her shit list. Carl’s Jr. got our order wrong one day and I was afraid for the lives of everyone inside. We not only had our meals paid for, but free onion rings for life. We knew growing up that you didn’t piss mom off. But it still never stopped me from asking my Mom for things.

I have a man crush on a guy named Oswald Chambers. He was a pastor in the beginning of this century, but this man knew Jesus. He had a special intimacy with Jesus we may hope to have as well. But the way Oz talks about prayer makes me wonder.

Do I really know, or understand what is happening when I pray?
Does anyone?
Will anyone ever???

When pestering my mom growing up I began to understand who she was. I started to understand what she dislikes, and how she views the world. I was meeting with a leader the other day and we talked for a few hours. We talked about life, love, Jesus, church, and school. She sent me a text saying the more I hang around you, the more I know myself.

I stop praying when….
I don’t get the things I want….
I don’t get the answer I want….
When all I hear is silence….
I get jaded in MY desires for MYSELF.

If we are praying to a “god” to get things, or to have things happen, or to find our way in this world, HE WILL NEVER ANSWER. But if we are praying to God, Jesus, in order to get to know Him, HE ALWAYS ANSWERS. You will slowly understand why He didn’t give you something, or show you something, or point out what college you are supposed to go to.

Because it isn’t about any of those things.

We will get to know ourselves in the context of getting to know Jesus, and others. The more we find out what He is like, what He likes, how He views the world, we can understand how we are truly made.

This is more for me today. I needed to write this. Can I be more about getting to know Jesus than receiving selfish desires? Can I be more about others? Can I pray and not grow weary? Will I start to pester Jesus about getting to know HIM rather than getting answers for my life?

I hope so

 

(Addendum)

It isn’t that you are not supposed to ask Jesus for things, but please know how we will get to know Him by our asking for things.   You ask in order to see what He is like.  When you can have that attitude you will stop being disappointed and jaded towards prayer and Jesus.

Thanks Jeret

 

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I’m not a crier

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I cried a few days ago.
It was weird.
I didn’t like it.
I felt like a girl. (no offense)(ok… a little offense)

I don’t fully understand what “moved me” to tears.  I couldn’t stop the water coming from my face.  I thought for a second how it was weird to sweat from my eyes, but when I realized they were real tears, I was grateful.

I loved to ride my bike.  It was a blue bike, and had checkered flags all over it.  It was one of those bikes you pedaled backwards to stop….or SKID!  I popped too many tires.  Sorry Dad.  But I was caught ridding my bike while I was grounded.  I was at the bottom of our cul-de-sac at my friends house as I watched my Mom round the corner.  I got on my bike and road like the wind.  I was sure I would beat my mom home, get in the garage, run up to my bedroom, and act asleep before she would get out of the car.  Unfortunately the wind wasn’t blowing strong that day.  My mom passed me, didn’t even look at me, pulled into the garage and watched me shamefully put my bike away….

Hot
Shame
Guilt

I had those same emotions run through me a few days ago.  I was hot, shamed, guilty, and before Jesus.  I felt as if everything was open.  My life book I had been keeping secret was lying open.  People around me were reading it, judging me, and I felt hot.  I started sweating, and I wanted to run.

But two big graceful arms wrapped around my entire body.  Boldly he whispered, “Its ok”.

Grace came over me, and simultaneously I was hot with sin, but covered by a cool healing Grace.  He saw all my insecurities, failures, wounds, heartbreaks, and gently said, “I see what you see, but that is not how I see you”.

“And the flood came and destroyed them all”-bible

Grace destroyed all the “Me’s” I hate.  I know all these false trevor’s will come and go, but I was able to feel a small peaceful grain of grace.  It washed over me and I was overwhelmed.  It hurts when you know Grace, when you touch Grace, and when you start to release it on others you come alive.

I’m extremely hopeful how Jesus is not about behavior change, but about the real ME!  I am extremely humbled how Jesus does not keep an account of our failures, sin, or selfishness.  My life was opened by an infinitesimally small amount of Grace, and I was overwhelmed.

Disobeying my parents never made them stop loving me.  Their love for me made me want to obey them.  My disobedience towards my parents didn’t make me stop being a Ganz.  I can’t stop being me by my disobedience, but I can try to get to know a God that calls me His own.

Do you know a Jesus that is Grace giving, or obedience demanding?  Do you know a Jesus who loves you beyond your ability to love Him back?  Or do you know a formulaic, point driven, academically enhancing god?  Jesus is not tame, He can’t be defined, and He certainly doesn’t fit into boxes.

I promise to never cry again.
Guys don’t cry.
Especially guys with beards.

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My New Job

The race to put out a blog in thirty minutes.

I hope this comes out well.

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I want to put out a blog because I am not sure of my future.  I will be un-blogably busy for the next two weeks starting at eleven am today.

I had an epiphany

It was more of an awareness.

(Im not doing good on my time crunch)

(as you can tell I’m wasting time writing these apostasies)

Not everyone is where you are at.  And it isn’t our job to get people to our exact place in life.  I am not sure we quite understand.

My first job was a dish washer for an I-talian restaurant.  I was the best dishwasher in all the land.  I was so good (how good you ask?), I would not only wash the dishes, but buss the tables, make the calamari, and slice the lemons for the seafood dishes.  I worked as the dishwasher for a whole year.  Almost exactly.  But my dishwashing skills were unparalleled.  I walked into my bosses office and asked him if I could be a bussor.  He said, “NO”.  I was shocked.  I thought for sure he would undoubtedly give me keys to the whole place and tell me to become the owner.  I had a grasp on this whole restaurant job.  Keep in mind I was fifteen.

I asked to be a bussor for the next two months straight.

I didn’t understand my job.

I didn’t understand they didn’t need another bussor.

They needed a dishwasher.

I think as followers of Jesus we get confused as to what our job is.  We believe certain ideas, or agendas, or who knows what, but we forget our jobs.  I believe we all get to have some job in this life following Jesus.  But my epiphany has been my epiphany, and I need to remember how it is my epiphany.  That’s the epiphany.  It’s mine.

I get tired trying to get people to see the things I see.  I get tired trying to get people to follow Jesus like me.  I get tired judging others based on how they don’t see, do, or hear from Jesus the way I do.  “Don’t they get it?”, Maybe I am the only to ever believe that.  I am not sure this makes sense, but that isn’t for me to judge.

I can only show you, live it out in my own way, and hope you see me following Jesus and want to get to know Him.  If you have questions of why, how, or when????  I can tell you over coffee, or cuties.

I want to apologies if I have offended, judged, or condemned with my eyes anyone who doesn’t follow Jesus, get Jesus, or love Jesus like I do.  It is strange when you read about Jesus asking people to pull the plank out of their eyes before you pull the speck out of someone else.  Interesting.

I will re read this later, but I have to post this.  I have 7 minutes to find an artsy picture, and upload it to wordpress….

My new Job…

To Love Well

Blessings

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What stops you?

IF

Most of the time I don’t believe God is for me.

Most of the time I believe He is against me.
But as the sun set yesterday my harmful thought-life was interrupted by a beautiful, under appreciated, masterful painting in the sky.  The brush stroked feathering clouds about the deep blue dimly faded canvas all mixed with a busy street.  I almost ran the red light trying to take in every second this poem hung in the sky.
I have been feeling like I have been doing something wrong.
I am not sure if you are like me, but my thought patterns go like this….
“I don’t do enough”…
“How am I supposed to do all my laundry”…
“I want to do more”…
“Is my apartment clean enough”…
“What else can I do?”…
“Am I the problem”….
“There has to be someone better for the job”…
“Why do I keep waking up at seven?”….
“Should I get a puppy?”…
“Do guys have plants in their apartments?”
I’ve always had dogs growing up.  Good dogs for the most part.  The ones that like to run, play, sit, heel, eat basketballs, pull my sister and I on our rollerblades.  You know, those kind.  The breads who love people beyond our love for them.  I am a dog guy by nature, and I believe cat people are dog people in denial.  My favorite dog was a grey and black Australian Shepherd/Queensland Heeler.  He had an original name.  Eddie.  Eddie was a good boy.  Eddie loved pizza.  Eddie loved me, and he was mine.  He was rotund, not big boned, just plane chubbs.  But Eddie was my biggest fan, ever, for no reason.
I want to instill in people a hope that Jesus is for them.  Not like a dog, but a man.  Similar qualities to a dog, but in no way do I want to make Jesus out to be a dog….  But he is for us.  Jesus is our biggest fan.  Rooting us on towards His highest hopes for us.  He has his hands clasped together, praying, dreaming, and pleading for us and on our behalf.  Hoping one day we will want to know Him.  Jesus is not a father who doesn’t have time, or care for His sons.  Could Jesus be someone we have just started to know as good?
No matter if you believe you are doing enough, busy enough, or the right person for the job, Jesus is for you.  No matter if you believe in Him or not, care about Him or not, love Him back or not, Jesus is for you.  Could you be in a relationship with a god who is not for you?  Could your perception of Jesus be slightly off?
I want to believe God is for me!
I want to believe God is not against me!
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