Coffee, Kyoto, and Confidence

 

Sometimes I think I don’t like coffee so much as I like the sugar in it.

 

I have been growing in confidence.  I have learned a lot about confidence.  How there is a big difference between confidence and cockiness.  How people look different with and without confidence, and the feeling of humility throughout it all.  Read Leadership Freak on confidence!

 

When I like something I usually kill it.  In high school I loved this restaurant called Kyoto.  They sold a sesame chicken rice bowl, soda, and free chops sticks for five bucks.  The sauce they put on the chicken could make you rob a bank.  Just writing this makes my mouth water.  #Pavlovdogproblems.   My best friend and I would go thrice times a week.  There were two problems with Kyoto.  You always left smelling like the inside of a burnt oven, and we killed it.  We over ate the sesame chicken.  We loved it too much.  I can’t eat there anymore.  Maybe I am the only one, but that’s what I do.  It’s why my starbucks knows my drink….

 

I have a mustache on my face, and it has almost served its purpose.  I have it on my face as a reminder.  A reminder to remember to be me.  Be who Jesus made me to be.  Not someone else.  Or not who I believe other people think I am supposed to be.

I used to be extremely cocky, and not confident.

 

I was at dinner the other night with some friends and noticed something strange.  There was a girl with us who was crying out for attention.  She was saying stuff you could tell she didn’t want to say.  She lacked confidence, but the only reason why I could see it was because I was once the same.

 

I can’t begin to tell you how much I love how this life is not about us.  I don’t really matter, and that makes everything significant.  When you start living in this knowledge you start to see people differently.  You start to see yourself differently.  You realize people are starving for food that will fill them forever.  We are all thirsty for water that will quench us for the rest of time.

 

With this new knowledge of confidence came an understanding of myself and others.  I had to understand what I like.  What do I like?  What gives me life?  When you can understand yourself, you start to understand others, and you can bring life to those who are without.

 

But just like Kyoto, we can kill things.

 

We kill Jesus as Americans.  We do the same thing over and over and over again hoping to grow….  Jesus was the most consistent at being inconsistent.  You could only trust that you will never know what He was up to.  There was and is a beautiful mystery.  Just a knowledge of His control will decrease anxiety, lessen stress, and cast away your burdens.  If you trust.

 

My confidence has been crushed under the foot of humility and grace.  I had to pick myself up and realize the only confidence I can have is in Jesus.  He knows what He is doing.  I can be me, I can like what I like, and I can show others Life through it all.

 

Stop killing yourself, and start living.  Let us be people who are confident in ourselves because of who made us unique.  He made you to love what you love, so love Him who has done it.

 

So what if I like sugar with a little coffee, lets get a drink together!

Joe, Baseball, and Ambulance rides!

I get in fights a lot.  But it is usually with myself.  It is an every day battle.  I have never had to fight for my life, or someone else though….

We do (which is not normal) Jesus sightings in our YoungLife region.  It is not the, I saw a guy that has a beard, Jesus sighting.  But rather I saw Him.  Where Jesus has shown himself in raw goodness, love, answers to prayer, justice, mercy, hard conversations, or even within yourself.  My friend Joe has been my Jesus sighting.  He is walking life with a YoungLife guy who is not easy to hang with.  It is beyond anything I have heard, been around, or even thought possible.  You wouldn’t know it either.  Joe is humble, he doesn’t speak much, and when he does you listen.

 

But Joe had a hard decision this past week.  I had Joe write me a letter about it.  Because I love it.  He had a decision to make that doesn’t present itself often.  When it comes I pray we do as Joe did.

 

Joe had the club talk on Monday night at YoungLife.  He planned, prayed, and even took off early from coaching baseball that day to go over his talk.  He was ready to stand in front of high school kids and talk about Jesus.  He was going to tell kids about Jesus who desperately need Jesus.  He was going to preach the Word.

 

But something happened.

 

Jesus happened.

 

Joe has been living life with a kid who has cancer.  Joe goes to San Francisco for his chemo.  Joe goes to his house when he is bored and is at home because he cant be at school.  Joe brought this kid to my house in the middle of the night coming back from a chemo treatment.  Joe lives life with this kid better than anyone I know.  But Joe had a decision on Monday night.

 

From Joe:

So Payton was neutropenic which means his white blood cells were down.  White blood cells are the fighter cells which basically means he has nothing to fight infection if something happens. He’s not so good about taking care of himself so he did his normal thing, which included going to Wyldlife in the park with no shoes on!  Payton didn’t realize, but he stepped on something at wyldlife.  Payton is extremely at risk for infection.  He had to do a blood test the next morning and he had no ride so I took him.  He said he woke up feeling kinda crummy, thought it was allergies. We did the blood test thing and I kept telling him to take his temperature (which is weird because I never do that but I had a weird feeling) because with chemo a fever is an indicator of bad things. He never took his temperature until he got admitted to the hospital for a platelet transfusion.  They took his temperature and he was burning up at 102 degrees.

 

I was at baseball and didn’t know he went to the hospital.  It was crazy because I chose to leave early to go work on my talk for club.  When I looked at my phone I had a bunch of texts from Payton.   Really scared texts.  So I called to see what was up and he didn’t answer. I started to panic so I called his mom (which I had only done once previous, but again I had a weird feeling) and asked her what was up. She said she was coming to find me at baseball because Payton was in the hospital.  He had an infection that was creeping up his leg and they were going to transport him to SF via ambulance in a few hours. I shot over to the hospital to find him doing a whole lot better.  The fever was down and antibiotics were doing good things with the infection. He still had to go to SF and wanted me to go with him…which meant I had to decide between club/giving the talk or being with Payton….

 

I didn’t really have a hard time deciding between the two; sometimes you just know where you need to be. I got to ride in the back of the ambulance with Payton and the EMT who Payton’s family knew.  We talked about life and I watched Payton do relational ministry with this guy purely out of who Payton is. The fever was completely gone when we got to UCSF and he was feeling a whole lot better.  I see Jesus in Payton.

 

It is crazy how 24 hours can change your perspective.  You start to understand how unbelievably fragile life is, and how intricately we are created.  To the point where if white blood cells aren’t in us we could get a cut and have no defense. God knew what He was doing. Also I see Jesus in the transformation of Payton.  A kid who has been hurt so bad is finding hope in a new place and it’s Jesus.  It is un real to watch the impact Payton has on our community and how much our community rallies and hurts for him and with him.  You should see how many people love him to death.  And lastly I’m learning that we are in the ministry of being present.  My job description says that I should have stayed and given a club talk on Monday night…but Jesus sometimes calls us out of what we are supposed to do and puts us where we need to be.  Like in the back of an ambulance.

Love, Scraps

 

 

May we preach the Gospel at all times and if necessary use words.  Fight the good fight.  Run the race for the long haul.  Today may seem like the beginning of no end, but put your hope in Jesus.

 

It also happens to be Joe’s birthday today!  Happy Birthday Joe!  You deserve it.

 

 

Dragons and Time Travel

I’m learning how to time travel.

It is not as far off as you think.  Technology has come far and fast.  It comes from a revelation not to long ago, but the idea has been floating around for a while.  I was driving in my Honda Civic with the windows down, my music off, and a smile on my face.

Time travel is possible.

I don’t have many memories of both my parents being together.  Well, lets say I don’t have many memories of my parents being together and happy.  But I do remember one afternoon late in the summer of 91. (I really don’t know the date, it just sounded good).  My Dad, Mom, Sister, and some neighbor friends were all over, and we were swimming. Not just a relaxing swim, get out, get back in, tan, and read a book swim.  My Dad had bought our family a huge inflatable dragon.  It was a realistic dragon.  Purple, green, four legs, and it took up a quarter of the pool.  We spent all day playing king of the dragon, sea world, and sharks and minnows.  My family was smiling, laughing, and playing.

Life.

Was.

Good.

 

Could we be living in the wrong tense?

Remember when….

Last year….

If we could go back….

I was happier when….

 

It is dangerous where we live in our minds.  I may be strange for having this thought, but I will say it anyways.

In order to have a better life, in order to experience freedom, in order to love, we need to live in the proper tense.  Jesus lived in a world we may never know, but we can try.  He lived as though the world was already His, blessings were already there, and the Kingdom was “At hand”!  His brain waves lived in a world where mountains were being tossed in the sea, and men walked on water.  When Jesus would look to the past it would be for the future benefit.  The past taught us how to live in the present, not dwell in the “used-to-be”.  He is ahead of us, already doing, healing, loving, moving, breathing, living and he lives the life he has set out for us.  So, we need to start time traveling…..in our minds.  (get it?)

 

Redeem your mind out of the past, and be excited for the things that are already accomplished but we have yet to see!  All the blessings we desire are out there, waiting, and life is found ahead of us.  It doesn’t mean we stop praying, or asking Jesus for stuff, but it could change how we pray.  Jesus tells us to act as if we have already received the things we pray for and it will happen.  (This is where thankfulness comes in and not health, wealth, and prosperity)  Praying in the right tense!  How would your prayer life change?  How would your outlook change?  How would your relationship with Jesus change if we had a change in tense?  Even His last words on the cross were “It is finished”, and then He died.  Maybe I am crazy, but if crazy gets me to think about Jesus in the here and now, I love it.

I would rather be known as crazy optimistic than a frozen chosen.

Memories are great when they remind us of good, justice, and love.  But, is it wise to focus on the past?  Let’s create more, pray more, and live in the right tense!

Judge me, if you Love me!

Smell

I was that smelly kid once…

Once… 

I never thought I was different, just… unique…  I have been the first in a lot of life situations.  Including armpit odor.  Luckily I have a mother with a sensitive nose, and a heart for her “little monster”!  I started using deodorant some time around age ten.  I was shaving my face freshman year.  I could harvest a full beard junior year.  I was the third in my class to turn 18 and legally buy cigars!

 

My apartment building caught fire last night.  I was in a great conversation with a friend when my smoke detector started yelling.  I was mystified and quickly went to try and turn it off.  I thought I was going to wake up the whole building, but quickly realized this was bigger than my apartment.  Plus, I wasn’t cooking anything.  We walked outside and the whole building was swarming with tenants.  We walked downstairs, turned to the right, and smoke was pouring out of the breezeway.  We ran to the apartment where the smoke was, and quickly grabbed the guy who was inside.  He was walking around, mumbling, and soaking wet.  The sprinklers were on high, the smoke was chemical like, and this man seemed bewildered.  It was late, cold, and four fire trucks later, finished.

 

I graduated college with a degree in observation.  I am a learned observer, and I get paid to do this.  It happens to be one of my favorite pastimes.  It is fun to watch people, judge people, listen to people, and compare.  Which some are dangerous.

 

My friend snuck into my bathroom the other day and used my cologne.  The whole day I kept smelling someone great.  I repeatedly asked who smells really good?  My friends told me I was being narcissistic, and to shut up.  But my buddy looked at me and said, “are you serious?”.  And I was.  So I said yes.  He told me how he put on my cologne earlier that day.

 

I felt stupid.

 

We get used to our own smell.  We get comfortable and it is hard to observe ourselves.  When my cologne was on my friend, I couldn’t believe it smelled that good.  I don’t believe I smell like that when I wear it.

 

It is easy to see things in others than ourself, right?  It is easy to encourage others, right?  It is easy when it isn’t us.

 

I had a YoungLife leader demonstrate this idea while using scripture.  He told us to tell the person to our right, “well done good and faithful servant, you are God’s beloved”.  We then had to tell the the person behind us, to the left, and in front.  He began to have us wait, listen, and look at the the first person you spoke to and say, “I am God’s beloved”.   Try it, it sucks.  We don’t like ourselves, and we do not enjoy edifying ourselves.

 

When I was forced to confront myself, and my own self hate, I became more intimate with myself.  With the fire came intimacy.  I met all my neighbors on account of the blaze.  With my mom confronting a smelly ten-year-old boy, we became closer.

 

We grow closer through trials.

 

Conflict precedes intimacy.

 

When you go to battle with someone, you are forever bonded.  When you experience pain with someone, you are forever bonded.  When you call someone out in a game of monopoly, you become better friends!  You grow through someone pointing out the plank in your eye.  You may have contempt for that person, but when you can see the light you can see love.  We may not be at a place where we have “eyes to see”, but with hindsight, and humility, conflict is beautiful.

 

Can we be so humble as to let people put us through the fire?  Can we be honest enough to know we don’t have it all together?  Can we suffer and live?  Will we let others prune us in order to grow?

 

May we be believers who extend grace beyond ourself.  May we love people by allowing them to see who we really are.  By having more hard conversations, life happens, and intimacy expands.

Are you Human?

I’m a good human.

Sounds egotistical, and that’s part of it.

I catch myself staring at people.  All. The. Time.  I gained a fascination with humanity the moment I realized I was just like everyone else.  I struggle with entitlement, vanity, and wanting people to like me.  And that’s just it.  We all do.

Last week I finished a great book that made the world brighter, people lovable, and grace bigger.  The best part of the book is the fact that I completed it.  I am great at starting books and the worst at finishing them.  Which makes me a great human.

Moving out on my own has made me extremely reflective.  I purposely, and financially decided not to have internet, or cable.  I am trying to create space, and some quiet in my loud world.  When your job centers on relationships, your life is extremely loud.  Driving, lunches, music, concerts, golf, more lunches, club, and noise.  But I have noticed a few BIG things about me.

I am really good at screwing up….

Have you ever had an instant friendship?  When they happen I am always amazed, and excited.  I have a hard time remembering when I first met my friends, or when the friendship was finally established.  There is no cultural norm of an official start to a friendship.  Some say the first text, others say the first hug (girls), while others say it takes a long time to become friends.  Instafriendships exist, and they are great.  It happened last week.  I met this guy who invited me to experience a secrete tradition.

All I can tell you is that it is a tradition that stems from the Eastern Block.  It involves extreme heat, little to no clothing, unbearable amounts of hot steam, home made wool hats, being whipped with reeds of eucalyptus, and an ice bath.

My new friend enlightened me to this old world tradition.  We laughed, drank tea, and dripped rivers of sweat together.  We are meant to be together.  We are meant to be alone.  Together.  We are meant to screw up.  Together.  And we are all meant to be human.  Together.

Embracing my failures means to embrace my humanity.  It doesn’t mean perfection, it means being human.  It doesn’t mean that I stop trying, or striving to be obedient, but not to beat myself up when I screw up.  We do not choose our humanity or deity, but rather live in our humanity through our Deity.(that hurt my brain)  I want to invite more people into my life to see my brokenness.  I want to be more open and easily approachable.  I do not think people walked away from Jesus because He was too good, or healed too many people.  I think people stop following Jesus because they loose focus.  They focus on performance, and not Jesus.  They focus on they way they screw up, and not Jesus.  They focus on themselves, and stop focusing on the only One who we can hold a microscope up to.  His convictions are painful, but comforting.  His love is pure, and hard.

We are all good humans.

We screw up a lot.

Keep your focus on Jesus, He is still human, and He has been in your shoes!

Chivalry Died By: Austin Thomas

Junior year of high school, I was a gentleman. Not just any gentleman, either. We’re talking cream of the crop, top of the ladder, high quality gentleman. The Lord Crawley from Downton Abbey and Manny from Modern Family just had a baby and his name is Austin Thomas kind of gentleman. Always smartly dressed. Always polite. Always witting. Unquestionably masculine, yet unflinchingly kind. Well informed and well mannered.
Ask any of my class mates, and I’m sure this is what they’ll tell you about me. Maybe.
Whether my gentleman genius was obvious to those outside my house or not, it was well-practiced. I spent hours listening to podcasts about how to have polite dinner conversations. I read countless articles about proper male fashion. I learned how to trim my non-existent beard and comment thoughtfully on current events, all while bringing an appropriate wine to dinner parties and picking out a shirt that was not too flashy, but still said style. I took out a subscription to The Economist.
To this day, I can’t figure out why this sudden fascination with manners and chivalry coincided with a drastic draught in my affairs with the opposite sex. But, that’s for another blog. The point is, for six or seven months, I went to gentleman school. And I learned some things. I look back on this period in my life with some embarrassment, these days. If you ask me why I have the “Grammar Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life” podcast on my iPod I will shake my head and look at the floor, and harken back to years ago. A weird stage in high school. It was a fad.
I still catch myself perusing GQ’s style tips every once and a while. But that’s curiosity and nothing more. Promise.
Anyway, I’m embarrassed by all this. It really was a fad, and it’s not one I kept going for long. But I learned some things, too. About how to make your life better. And how to have people like you more. I’ve kind of made a list of rules, actually. Lately, as I’ve been spending more time on the internet, I’ve been using this list more and more before I say stuff. Because it’s hard to be a gentleman these days.
My list is long and it’s personal I guess, so I’m not going to show you the whole thing. But I want to talk about number two and number three, real quick. Because I think they’re universal, and good reminders. I’m not trying to turn you into a British Lord or anything, and these aren’t revolutionary or new. But maybe they will be good reminders for you, like they are for me.
Austin’s list of manners:
#2 – Be Honest. This is absolutely the most difficult thing for me to do from moment to moment. But the fact is, a gentleman is always honest. Unfailingly. And, so, we should be. When we are honest with ourselves and with those around us, we gain respect and our words begin to have meaning, real meaning. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Life is more difficult when you are honest about things. But it is also more fulfilling. More real.
#3 – Be Kind. This gets lost of on a lot people, I think. I’ve never gotten angry at somebody for being too nice to me. And I’ve never had anybody get mad at me if I was nice to them. But this is a hard thing to do consistently. I often let my desire for revenge or applause or popularity get in the way of being kind. And I pay for it. Maybe being a jerk will help me get what I want in the short-term, but that kind of thinking comes at a real cost. So be kind, when you can. And try hard to, when you can’t.
That’s it. Nothing ground-breaking, like I said. Simple. But hard. I wonder what would happen if we, as Christians, decided to value these two things over “being right” or whatever. What kind of world would we build?
Maybe high school Austin wasn’t so crazy, after all.

This Post is from my great friend Austin Thomas.

Brilliant author, and an even better friend.

Follow him at Austacular.com/blog/ 

Trevor

I’m Messy, Forgive Me?

I know what you’re thinking….

 

And yes, I too am a liar.

But my lying is hidden,

deceptive,

masked,

refined.

 

I’m good at it.

Really good.

 

I don’t think we stop growing.  I am jealous of my friends who have a house they grew up in.  Six years is the longest time I lived in any one house.  When I visit homes where my friends grew up I search for growing pains.  My favorite spot is where they physically grew.  It is usually in the garage, a pantry, or a bedroom closet.  I love reading the height marks from age two into high school.  I like to picture my friends being juniors in high school and their parents still wanting to measure their height.  they get out the ruler or book to place on their head to mark how tall they are.  They put the date, and then say, “look how much you’ve grown”!  All while my friends are now mad that their hair is messed up.  There is always a big jump in height around middle school and high school.  Measurable growth is fascinating, and weird.

 

We don’t like stagnancy.

We don’t like boredom.

I don’t think we actually like growth?

 

I’ve found out, recently, how good it is to hurt.  I understand now when I am in pain it means something else is at work.  I am slowly learning to stop, think, and wonder why it is I am “hurt”.  Is it because people are abused, widowed, poor, or any form of injustice?  Then why am I hurt?  What really hurts?  We joke around with kids and ask if they are going to live when they skin their knee.  We joke around and make them believe a kiss will stop the pain from a splinter.  But in reality, I joke too much.  Pain hurts, so live in it for a while and figure out why, or try.

 

Grumpy, never smiling, predictable Mike makes me wonder.  Why is he angry?  Why does he come into starbucks every day?  Why does he read the paper every day?  Why does he fall asleep on the paper?  Why does he drive a really nice Lexis?  How old is he? How did he get where he is?  And I have no answers.  I don’t know what it is like to live in his shoes.  He looks like he has seen and felt much pain.  I could ask, but I like the mystery.

I am a liar, and I never knew it.  It took a bright light, someone to see past my own kingdom, and a courageous friend to reveal my blindness.  Jesus says the light hurts, and He is right.  But it is good pain.  I don’t think you would ever know I was a liar but, by not writing this I would continue to live in my secrete sin.  My lying comes in the form of not being a truth teller.  It isn’t that I tell you the square is round, but I just don’t tell you about it at all.  I want you to like me so I mask how I feel with jokes.  I pass off feeling mad at you by chucklingly saying something that will make us both laugh.  I have a hard time believing you will stay my friend if I tell you that I don’t like it when you don’t call me back.  Which is, in turn, lying.

I’m sorry

 

I haven’t written in a while because I have been trying to figure this all out.  The pain is thick, and it is as old as the house I didn’t grow up in.  It feels as though I am in the middle of a big mud pit, waist deep, but making my way towards the shallow.  It is hard to take the next step, the mud is thick, and it tries to pull me back.  Sometimes I get stuck, or fall, but…

Growth is good

Pain is good

Mud is thick

 

Jesus loves the mud pit, and that’s where I’m at.

I had to write another sentence because my word count was 666 and that is not my style.

I think I’ll start keeping a growth chart

But instead of height and date; where and who!