I’ve been afraid lately
Afraid to write
Afraid to look you in the eyes
Afraid to come clean
There is not much to say about fear other than it sucks
I have almost done a lot of things. I have almost moved to a new town. I have almost quit my job. I have almost ran a marathon. I have almost had a significant other. But…
I stay safe
and I sit on my futon.
We walked down the road to get something to eat. We were both starving and had only maintained a diet of hot dogs and beer for the last ten hours. Walking to the restaurant I could feel my inner dialogue changing my outward appearance. This was going to be a hard dinner conversation. My Dad and I had just finished pacing the final pairings at the US open championship in San Francisco. My relationship with my Dad had been growing distant and almost non existent. With every step I knew I had to say something. I knew I had to ask for forgiveness. There was a fight going on with every knee bend. I was fighting the urge to not say anything and keep living life as I have been but I had to say something. I was starving but my thoughts were keeping me from eating. I had one more beer, a few bites of Caesar salad, and began to vomit all my feelings on the table. (Not real vomit).
And then there was silence
The number one command in the bible (Greek for book) is…. “Do not be afraid”. And yet all we do, and most of what we have created is safety and comfort. Every time someone mentions “Do not fear”, shalom returns.
We create environments in which to encounter God, safely. We create space for people to feel safe, at rest, and clean. Our houses are full of food that goes bad, clothes we only use twice a year, and objects to take our minds off reality. For what? Why do we do this? We feel more comfortable talking about someone rather than to someone. We would rather spend enormous amount of time saying our belief, or our way we understand Jesus than being Jesus to people.
I asked my Father for forgiveness. For being a bad son. For not making time to talk to him, reach out, or care. Those were the words I used. They were real tears I held back (because men don’t cry).
My Dad began to do the same.
You will always remember the times you defeat fear. You will always regret the fear you wish you conquered. High risk means high reward, and my relationship with my father is still mending, but words were spoken to start the healing process.
As you grow in your intimacy and understanding of Jesus you realize His power only works in your weakness. Jesus can’t stand know it alls. Jesus doesn’t like the humble braggers. Jesus knows our hearts fear and is waiting for us to step out and face them.
What keeps you captive? What do you want to do or say with which you are holding back? How can you conquer fear today?
Go in hopes for a return to Shalom through the defeat of fear in knowledge that Jesus is waiting in the midst of it all!